Saturday, June 29, 2013


So I'm a girl.

I know, big shock coming from a blog that so clearly states that IN THE TITLE. However, that is not what this is about (in fact, I don't think anyone has questioned the fact that this is narrated by a female). What it's about is the fact that as a woman [HUMAN] I have a lot of weird feelings. And for the past year and a little more, most of them have been wildly out of control.

I became {in}human{e}.

For the first time in my recollection, I felt truly powerless. I became bitter, afraid, pessimistic. Cruel. I experienced the lowest I have ever felt in my life. And it seemed that nothing helped. As an aid in understanding this feeling, I suggest you take the time to read this post on a wonderful blog (some language). It sums it up pretty well (And the fish part just makes me laugh, so if anything, skip to that and have a good hardy chuckle).

On top of feeling sad and mean, I just started hating myself. I felt like I had potential, and I was just screwing it up. All those things that people told me I was talented at suddenly seemed like they weren't as progressed as others my age who knew what hard work was and how to keep at it without giving up. Everyone seemed to know how to get out of bed in the morning, put on a pair of "I-woke-up-on-the-right-side-of-the-bed" pants, some "#I'mfabulous make-up and go about their day further developing already incredible talents to further put my work to shame. Looking good and being kind while doing it. Everyone turned into someone I wanted to be, and it made me furious. Because I had nothing to offer but a deep furrow hidden someone in a mess of greasy hair and sweatpants that smelled like day-old pizza and salad. And that was on the few days when I actually got up. GREASY HAIR WAS AN EFFORT.

"How dare the world keep spinning while I am miserable."

Everything turned into that. It was about me. Making myself a victim to everything became a horror story that haunted my reality. I became exactly what I loathed. Days melded together and nothing felt right. It seemed I had no purpose other than watching the Big Bang Theory on the DVR and to keep the bed warm. I didn't want to try, because I felt to far behind.

And quite honestly, things have been on and off like that even up to now. I still have days like that. And I definitely don't feel like me all the way again yet. But I have friends who have helped me remember that there's that me still in there. They bring her out to play and smile. Some cuddle her. Some take her on walks. Some go out to eat and just talk about the future as if nothing could go wrong. And two even give kisses on the forehead just to say "I care for you", "We will always stay close", or "You are mine".  In these moments, I remember I have purpose. And I remember I can be something. Maybe even whatever I want. And maybe I wasn't becoming inhuman, but experiencing something to make me more human. More compassionate  I'm not there yet, but it's what I want to become. It's what I am becoming. With a great effort.

But effort feels good.


1 comment:

Ellie said...

Hey, this made me cry. Love you.