Be Alive

Okay so I have never written a song before, but my friend told me to try it out. So I did. It might be a bit cheesy, but whatever. I enjoyed writing it. :)

(first verse)
You follow the feeling-
You've kept it so strong
But you've been so broken,
Nothing feels right
And nothing feels wrong

(second verse)
You lost your inner self,
The light had left your eyes,
You were still a part of her,
But you needed to see,
To realize-

(pre chorus)
You can find yourselves inside
The better part you cannot hide

(chorus)
Because this is your time,
The day is yours to chase
Lose those bitter memories
in a far off distant place.
You've gotta fight till you live
You can believe and forgive,
Today You'll be alive

(third verse)
Stop pulling yourself down,
You still have things to do,
Don't fake what you are,
You know what's true,
You know what's you.

(pre chorus variation with dramatic build in music)
You have found yourself inside,
The better part you couldn't hide

(suddenly softer music, eventually builds to chorus)
(chorus)
Because this is your time,
The day is yours to chase
you can lose those bitter memories
in a far off distant place.
You've gotta fight till you live
You can believe and forgive,
Today You'll be alive

(reprise?)
And when you really hear these words you'll know
Those better parts now start to show,
And now you're finally
(long note with slight pause)
Alive

One of those posts.

You know, I hate feeling like everything you do is useless. I have felt this a lot recently, not gonna lie. I don't know if I think about stuff too much, but I feel like I am not doing anything for the world. I want to help, but every attempt is... well, useless. Not to mention that I feel like these useless tasks are taking up valuable time I will NEVER get back. Let's take for example the skills we try so hard to improve. In the end, do they matter? Not really. To your teacher who is giving you a grade, maybe. But that really is about it.

Clarinet? useless.
Guitar? useless.
Art? useless.
Poetry? useless.
Writing this blog? useless.

When will I use these thigns in my life? Probably never. Let's be honest here, I most likely don't have the drive to compete with everyone else who becomes successful at these things and actually manages to live off of it.

And Anything that is worthwhile, is generally nearly impossible to obtain. Like the classes I think will actually apply to my life, are of course- classes I can't take untill I'm a junior or senior. Or, things that are insanely expenseive. College comes to mind.

And I am a bit socially/emotionally spent. You know those times when you try so hard to please everyone, but it's bascially impossible? Yeah, that basically is my life. I feel like I always let someone down, or I am never social enough, or I can't provide what someone needs. And it eats at me!

I don't know if anyone actually understands what I am trying to say half the time, so that doesn't help. Maybe I am just overly complicated? I thought I was pretty simple, but whatever. It would just be nice to have someone who understands what you are trying to say all the time. I don't even know if that is humanly obtainable, but it doesn't hurt to hope for it.

And having only one person to talk to makes it difficult as well. I can't talk to just anyone about these type of things, ya know? You start to sound self absorbed and selfish, and just like a jerk. I mean, when I get going on something, I usually go off about everything in my life, and it woudl just be nice to have someone listen. I don't want them to solve my problems, I want to just freakin talk to someone.

But parents just seem to want to fix the problem, or tell you what you are doing wrong. Not what you need to hear when you are just venting. The majority of friends lose interest after one story, or they some how manage to turn the conversation to themselves.

Basically this is just a post to talk to some person without talking to them. Sounds crazy, but whatever. It does help a bit, so why not give it a shot?

Conflict

I can't understand.
I feel so confused.
I feel oh so loved,
Yet I feel... simply used.

I know that he's caring,
I know he's for real,
But does he honestly believe,
What he tells me he feels?

What does it mean,
When I think to let go?
Am I going insane?
Or do my true feelings show?

He treats me with love,
But yet there is something he lacks...
Or is it just me,
Not cutting him slack?

I should know by now,
Exactly where I stand,
I just find it hard to solve
The puzzle that's at hand.

I don't want to hurt him,
Or cause myself pain,
I just want to stop
Before we both lose at this game.

I don't want to lose him,
But I think that it's time.
It's been lingering here
In the back of my mind.

I know that we'd be happier,
If only we we,re appart.
But he should know that he'd still have a place right here...
A place within my heart.

The Phantom Train

This train has no tracks, but yet it leads ever beyond-
Forward marches the engine to it's melancholy song.
Complimentary is the journey for those who choose to ride,
But those who haven't "paid the cost" are those who cannot hide.

For the land is no-man's land from which this train departs,
Leading on the souls of those who have departed from their hearts.
And the living have no place among the train's solemn coaches,
But the dead are free to enter as their rail car slowly approaches

So until we reach the day when your time has come and gone,
Remember to steer clear of that engine's groaning song.
Your soul will then cross over, when you have nothing left to gain,
The lost, the hopeless, the deceased, all pass on- by way of the Phantom Train.

Surface

Have you really carried over what you used to hold so dear?
These superficial glances are confirming all my fears.

You never honestly cared about who I am or what I'm to be,
you just wanted to use me up, and steal the better part of part of me.

You treat me like it's a pity that a girl should be as I,
But you won't let me go, I'm your limitless supply...

If you ever need a booster, someone to tell you of your worth,
I treat you as you're gold, while I'm lowly simple dirt.

I'm the girl who doesn't matter, the one who's always there,
The one who doesn't care about your perfectly done hair.

If I am to make a mistake, you've been quick to be my judge,
Even when I've let it go, you still seem to hold the grudge.

I'm the friend who entertains, who always follows through,
Who keeps your smallest secrets, accepts the things you do.

But when the others crowd around, I am lost and left behind,
Have I so simply been swept away from the spaces of your mind?

I'm exhausted of your lying, your tiresome deceit,
So I'm retreating from this battle of imminent defeat.

It's clearly been here from the start, the truth from long before,
It's not the me that I hold inside- it's the surface you adore.