Fuuuuuuuudge. Tis Good.

This is how I feel sometimes. Just thought I'd let you in on that.

Confused?

Me too.

P.S. If you have questions about anything (and I do mean anything... that I can answer), please post them in the comments below. If you want to know about some odd thing about my life, ask away. Or, you know, whatever question you wanna ask. I'll answer any question you give me. The end.

Sweethearts? Yay! :D

Wooo! I have officially been asked. :)

I heard a loud knock on the door, and when I arrived, I found a shoebox full of miniture marshmallows. I had to search through said mallows for the letters to put together a name. I was a bit confused when I thought the I was an H, and as it turns out, most of the "O's" were actually D's. But eventually I got it figured out!

Now I can look at dresses without feeling silly. woot woot!

Maybe I could be a Teacher...

I think I know what I want to do as a career. Maybe.

I think I would enjoy being a music teacher. Further yet, a band teacher.

Today, I had the opportunity to help teach elementary school students clarinet, and I really liked it. I had gone once before, but I felt useless because I hadn't spent much time with my clarinet. Now that I have worked with my clarinet more, and I know more about it, I actually helped a little bit. The kids listened to me, and tried to accomplish the tasks I gave them. They started making progress. It felt awesome when one kid got the chromatic scale down really well! Granted, he knew most of it, but he had trouble with some of the fingerings and I helped him out! It was awesome to see him light up when he did it well!

So I thought about it, and I said to myself "I could do this for a living". I know how much I look up to my band teacher, and all the valuable things he has taught me. Way more than just how to play music. Way more than just how to be musical. He's taught me a way of life. And with the other people who have helped me so much with clarinet and other musical things, I can't help but feel like I am obligated to get better and help others improve too. I want to bring others the joy playing music has brought me.

So we add yet another great option to what I could do when I grow up. So far this is actually looking like the most likely. Teacher in general is actually climbing the charts, which I would have never thought about before. I guess we will see where I'm at in the future.

Your opinions?

Band Director?
Physicians Assistant?
Writer of some sort?
Any other ideas?

Plants Vs. Zombies is More Productive Than Homework!

Sooo....

For the past, oh I don't know... hour or so, I have been playing Plants Vs. Zombies instead of doing homework. At first, I felt a little guilty. Then I found a way that I can relate all my homework to it!

1. The game is a battle. You are fighting a defensive battle against the zombies, of course. This is much like trench warfare in World War 1. And we learned that when you fight a defensive battle in trench warfare, your chances of winning are 4:1. US History? check.

2. The game has music, which I listened to for some time. I listed to the kind of quality the songs had, major or minor. I tried to look at how it related to the setting because it changed when I went from the night level to the day level with the pool. AP Music? check.

3. The plants use the energy of the sun, which you must collect to plant more...plants. This requires photosynthesis, which is a part of chemistry. Which means... Chemistry? check.

4. Plants have roots. My math homework has nth roots. Roots and roots. Math? check.

5. I just barely used a logical fallacy (a false analogy to be specific, assuming that two things are alike in all aspects because they are alike in one aspect) English? check.

6. I had to think fast, and make sure I could accurately plant where I wanted to quickly. Which increases my hand eye coordination and my ability to read what's in front of me quickly. I need this for clarinet. Band? check.

7. I mention zombies in the yearbook somewhere. Yearbook? check.

So when you look at it, I was much more productive in that one hour, because I covered all my classes in one fell swoop! I don't need your homework! Ha!

Yeah... the teachers aren't going to like that much...

...Well, I guess I'm off to do homework now. It was worth a shot.

Just Do It.

I was leaving my 8th period class when one of my close friends said "Wait for me! I need to ask you a question!" So I said I would wait outside the door. He came out, and put his sweatshirt over my head, and proceeded to walk me through the halls as his 'tumor'. As I was guided by him blindly, a thought came to my mind. "Maybe he's helping someone ask me to sweethearts!" I got kind of excited, thinking maybe I was being asked.

Nope.

He was just being his crazy random self. While I did get a good laugh out of it, I was slightly let down. It just seemed like the perfect set up! And this my friends, is why I should stop over thinking things. Because then, you don't set such high expectations, and you can't be let down if you don't expect anything! And when something awesome happens, you are pleasantly surprised!

Sure, I don't need to be asked to sweethearts. I would be totally cool if I wasn't, and do something else fun on that day. But it'd still be a great compliment to recieve. It's like someone saying "You are awesome! Let's hang out and have an excuse to look nice!" Who wouldn't like that?

Either way, the message of this post is this- Boys, ask a girl to a dance. Because even if the date is terrible, and super awkward, you'll at least get a good story out of it. When people are throwing around stories about bad dates, you can chime in! And if the date goes well, you can brag about how good of a time you had! So it's really a win win situation. And they say you will always regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did.

Also, something to consider, if you don't go to the dance, there will be some lonely girl who cries while all her friends go to the dance and she stays home and thinks boys hate her.

You don't want to make a girl cry? Right? So ask! And heck, if you don't want to go to the dance, just ask a girl on a date who isn't going and do something else fun instead. Just don't leave a girl home crying!

Meat Boy and Bandage Girl

You can't tell me that's not adorable.

Okay, you can. But I'd call you a dirty liar. Or a heartless being with no soul (and, even I did call you such terrible things, I would do so lovingly).

But basically, I love Meat Boy. He's so cute! I could go for being Bandage Girl! :D

I mean, when a guy is willing to jump through crazy levels of insanity, involving saws, lasers, piles of needles, crazy blob things, the Evil Doctor Fetus, and who knows what else, how can you not love him??

I love a piece of meat... Yeah, that's saying something. At least he is a cute piece of meat.

On a different note, I heard that a guy filled a girl's room with balloons to ask her to Sweethearts. Oh the many clever ways that boys ask. It's so cute. :)

I've Just Seen a Face

There's something about music that makes me want to fall in love. Maybe you can relate, or maybe not. But that's how I feel. There are many wonderful songs out there. Most that I listen to don't have any lyrics, and they still make me want to be in love. It kind of sucks sometimes, but you can't help but be addicted to them. Some songs with lyrics that make me smile, want to be with that guy, or want dance with him are:

-Do You Want to Know a Secret? (The Beatles. Mostly the main part. The intro and the outro are a bit off for the whole cute thing)
-All My Loving (The Beatles)
-So Close (No idea who it's by, but it's in Enchanted)
-The Only Exception (Paramore)
-Haven't Met You Yet (Michael Buble)
-Stay Beautiful, and Pictures of You (The Last Goodnight)
-Digital Love (Daft Punk, but the acoustic is amazing)
-Be Myself, and Geeky Love (theOoldSooul, he's a youtube guy. Love his stuff! You should look up geeky love at least if you want a good laugh)
-Jen's Song (Benton Paul)
-Almost any song by Vertical Horizon
And many many more.

But this one, has made my heart melt. I watched Across the Universe yesterday, and I loved it. I want a guy who thinks of me like this. How can you not want that?
Enjoy



With Love,
Tom

P.S. Is it good or bad post kind of emo sounding thoughts on this thing? I have a post that explains a lot of why I have been acting werid lately, but it sounds really emo. And I am not emo, nor do I want people thinking I am depressed or I hate my life. But I want to get it out there, ya know? It's hard to find a balance. If you have an opinion on the matter, please share.

Colorful Lies

White describes a harmless fib,
As told by you or I.
But maybe there's more than simple terms,
I'm skeptical of "white lies".

So then, what is the color of a lie?

Is it the red of the boiling blood beneath your skin?
Or the ominous black of a deceitful grin?
Is it the hues of blue on a lonely day?
Perhaps the green of envy when you walk away?
A grey that shows when enthusiasm lacks?
Or the yellow smile when your company lies back?
Do you mislead in orange when caution is high?
Or rather a purple shade when your love walks by?

Do you betray yourself with these colorful distortions?
Do you deceive those who choose to care?
Is there such a thing as a harmless lie,
When there's no one your lying spares?

Again I ask, what's the color of a lie?

-Hannah J. Thomas

Don't be Shy, Come on and Give it a Try! Tell the Girl!

I just want to grab a good guy, cuddle up next to him, cry on his shoulder and sit there in his arms for a while. Maybe he could talk with me too. Yup. That'd be good.

Yeah, it probably sounds retarded, but that's what I need. I've been having a tough time and I just want someone to cry on and someone to hug me really tight. And guys just do that better than girls. Anyway, that is all beside the point.

You know what would be nice too? If things worked out this simply:

The Guy- Hey, I like you.
Me- I happen to like you as well! Maybe we could hang out some time and get to know each other better. Because I honestly enjoy your company, and I don't like you for some stupid lusty reason. I like you as a person! I would like to spend more time with you!
The Guy- Sounds great to me! I'd love to take you on a date some time too!
Me- Hecks yeah! :D

The Other Guys- Hey, I like you.
Me- You are awesome, and I totally love being your friend, but I am not attracted to you in that way at this time. It's nothing personal, but my thoughts are currently occupied with someone else. I still love you though!
The Other Guys- Yeah, that's cool, no worries. Let's hang out still!
Me- Hecks yeah! :D

Not just for me, but for everyone. Can you imagine how much easier high school would be? Gah... Why can we not simplify things?

I don't know about other girls, but I personally wouldn't act awkward if I knew a guy liked me, even if I didn't like him (as seen above). Boys should just take the chance! Tell the girl you like her, especially if you think she might like you too! Telling someone you like them isn't a proposal, and it won't kill you. Heck, if you tell her you like her, she might grow to like you in that way because she sees how you treat her or how much she really cares about you. Plus no matter what, it will probably make her feel good. Knowing you are liked at all in any form is great. Knowing you are liked in that way is even better. Unless you are waiting for the perfect moment or you don't want to ruin something, just tell her. It's much worse never knowing what could have happened, for both of you.

With love,
Tom

Hello, Preservation Hall Jazz Band.

Tonight, I decided that Heaven will have jazz music. If it doesn't, I think I will cry. There is no crying in heaven, because it is a place of only happiness. Therefor, Heaven has jazz music. I just proved it.

Anyway.

I atteneded the Preservation Hall Jazz Band concert tonight at the Sheration Hotel in Salt Lake City. It was incredible. The musicians were fantastic! They were energetic, hilarious, and well... Jazzy. Go figure! I can't believe how much fun I had. I even got to go up on stage with a bunch of other people (including Justin Dunkley and Max Cocoa) while they played and danced. It was unbelieveable. I couldn't help but buy a CD, which I stayed after and got signed. I met them. I shook their hands.(except the trombone player... I was very sad...) It was a good day.

I spend it with amazing people too. The car ride was a party, and I just can't help but love band people. Christian's McDonald's cookies that take too long, telling Justin to shut up and making the people behind us look at us awkwardly, telling Cameron to stick his head out the window to wake him up, honestly laughing with Mara and her awesome sense of humor, and telling Max that, despite what the thinks, he cannot sing like Louis Armstrong.

Before all of this, I went "running" with some pals, and we ended up taking the long way to Magleby's. But on the up side, we ate delicious french toast that Josh so kindly provided. Sometimes I want to hurt that kid (and it wouldn't be the first time) but he can be nice on occasion.

Today was something I needed. Thanks everyone :)

With Love and Jazz,
Tom

Friends

Yeah, I suck at being a friend. I have so much going on in my brain and things that I try to balance, but I fail at it. And the people I'm closest to get the worst end of it. No, I don't hate you. No, I am not ignoring you. No, I do not have any grudges against you. Yes, I want to spend time with you. I just can't figure out what I am doing to save my life. It's like I don't do anything with anyone for a long time, then suddenly everyone wants to do something with me all at once. And that usually happens on a day where I am busy, already have plans, or am in a not so great mood (and nobody wants to hang out with someone who is just grumpy, let's be real).

What I am getting at is that I am sorry for not being the friend I should be. My friends always give me so much, and I don't tell them how much I appreciate them. Sorry if you've felt like I've ignored you, pushed you away, been rude you to, or anything else that doesn't show you I love you. Because I do love you.

Okay so I posted something like... 4 minutes ago or something, but I just had to mention one little thing that made me laugh this week.

There was this girl who sits behind me in Chemistry, and she was talking to the girl next to me. They were talking about the sweethearts dance, and girl behind me started to freak out, saying that she hadn't been asked yet...

I think you are going to be okay my dear. They just posted up signs about it today. I'm pretty sure you have plenty of time to get asked. Guys don't generally ask this early as far as I know. Maybe I'm crazy. But either way, you're going to be okay.

She's a cute girl, so I just thought it was funny that she was already worried. She'll get asked in no time at all. Besides, good things come to those who wait, right?

A Day in the Life

Highlights of the day:

-"Love is just like Santa! It doesn't exsist! That's why they made a holiday for it!" (or something to that effect)
-Finding out that everything in our kitchen has now moved to another place in the kitchen. It's so backwards!
-A large tub of ice cream named Neo, and a cheesecake too.
-Playing music with my Fay. And singing "Re: Your Brains" = win.
-Building a computer that I get to keep, because my brother is awesome and knows how to do these things.
-Playing clarinet and trying to figure out jazz stuff for a while. I loved every minute of it!
-Got a little farther in my game. Super spiffy.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. Even though I wanted to jump off a cliff after that math test. IT wasn't my best day at school. It was just a rough week in general, I'm glad it's over with. Hello weekend.

Just a Square Peg.

Everyone wants to be different,
but most just want to fit in.
They all want to be loved,
But they hardly let people inside.
Many preach about acceptance,
But accept only those that meet a certain criteria.
Nobody wants to lie,
But few take the heat comes with honesty.
They don't like drama,
But manage to create it.
Everyone wants good results,
But results are the product of effort.
They say to hope and believe and have faith for a brighter day,
But when they get down, they want proof things will improve.

Most of all, no one wants to feel alone

These people have names. These people have lives. These people have troubles and problems. These people are what we call Human. And let's face it, we are all human. If you ask me, the human conscience is at war with itself constantly.

The problem is, we have trouble picking a side. The one that fits closer to reality and honesty, or the one that is idealistic. Do you conform and fit society's rules to be "happy" because you have the ideal life that you are pressured to have? Or do you go against the world and be happy with yourself, but continue to feel like you fall short because of society's "norm"?

The reason I think we all feel alone and unsatisfied? The main cause of feeling inadequate or unsure?

Everyone wants to be different,
but most just want to fit in.

You can't be both.

Being different means you are yourself. Being different means that you take what you are, flaws and all. Fitting in requires you to morph yourself into something you aren't, to find a better sense of belonging. But what you want most is what determines your choice.

Fewer people who you mesh with, who connect with you on a real level, honestly care for you, who are harder to find, but worth the effort...

Or

More people who you adjust to fit, who get along fine, and are readily available, but seem to miss that true connection?

Are we just a bunch of different shapes trying to fit into a very small, perfectly round, and widely accepted hole?

I hope not. I like different shapes. If you ask me, it's not about fitting in, but accepting someone for who they are. Once you get past the awkward stage, life is swell. Unless you have an awkward friendship by choice. Then it's fine. :)

Sources of Motivation = Domination

Today, I did something that I thought was impossible for me.

Twice.

By twice, I mean I accomplished two things which I thought to be physically impossible for me. Not just physically improbable, but impossible. Dang straight!! My motivation? Metroid, Band, and frustration. Yeah... It's probably kinda sad. Oh well.

I played Metroid for a few hours today (like... at least 3 or 4... But that's not the impossible part. In fact, this is indeed quite normal for me. Yay for power ups!... I think I played too much...) So it reminded me of the song "Kraid's Lair", and the wonderful acoustic version I heard of it on youtube the other day. I love that song. It's so... eerie. I found that it had tabs, and I was like "Heck yes. This is happening".

Ten minuets later I said to myself "Fudge! I can't do this!" In the very beginning of the song, you have to stretch your pinky pretty far. For normal people, it would be a bit of a challenge. For me and my abnormally small hands, it felt hopeless. But alas, I did it. And I still felt like there was no way I could learn the song because of the confusing fingerings. But, it took my mind off things, and I had nothing better to do. I practiced for a good long while, and wadda ya know? So far, I have most of it down. Suck on that, stupid small pinky! >:D
(... I'm sorry pinky... I do love you. I take it back. Mostly.)

The other task I felt the urge to conquer today was....
The Treadmill

I have been telling myself I need to work out and get in shape so I can kick butt for color guard. Besides, Samus runs around all day in a beastly suit! She has to be in shape, so I should be too. (I told you I played too much...) And I had yet to do much of anything. But I have been stressed out lately and I felt confused and kinda pissed off about some various things, so I thought "Why not run it out?"

My, how good it felt. I told myself I'd go at least two miles, or go for 20 minuets at a decent pace. I had some good music to pump me up. I almost felt like giving up for a little bit, but then I remembered band runs (yes, it's dorky and nerdy, I know. But it motivates me) and what it felt like to sprint to the end. I had only gone about one and a half miles, so I slowed down, but didn't stop.

That's when I set the goal. When it said I had run 1.75 miles, I would crank it up pretty fast. But I have never gone above 6 out of 10 on the treadmill, out of fear. I was always afraid I'd loose my footing and go flying off and smack my head on the brick wall behind me or become terribly mangled mess of a human. (also lame, I know. I thought some weird, dark things as a child... And kinda still do. But less often, and with much more logic!)

Today, there would be no more fear! I cranked it up to 7. And it felt good. I was running and saying the lyrics to the song to keep me going. I remembered all the crap that I've had going through my head, and kept pushing it. I wasn't going fast enough for my thoughts. So I cranked it up higher. 7.5 baby! I ran at that for almost a whole song! Woot woot! Then I walked it off for a bit with a chill song and I felt much, much better. By the end I had gone for 30 minutes or so, and it was about 2 and 1/2 miles!

Now I know it sounds like no accomplishment, but considering I haven't done anything to exercise since like... October, I was pretty proud. It's a place to start. Maybe I can do it every day and push it farther until I can be a beast and sprint full speed on that sucker! Then I won't hate running as much, and I'll feel better.

And so, my love for guitar and running has grown. The End

With love,
Tom

An Emo's Musical

I probably post waay to often on this thing, (and I know it's probably annoying that I have changed the look of this blog twice in the past week), but I'm kind of addicted to it. It's a beautiful thing.

Anyway, since my past two posts were ridiculously long, I decided this one shall be short.

Today was basically amazing. I skipped first period because I felt sick, came to school for my favorite classes, found out I went up quite a few chairs in band (Yay for not failing!!!!! :D :D :D) And I went to my friends kick awesome party where we shot nerf guns, watched signs, ate chocolate, and I sang with the raspy sick voice as loud as I could. Twas an adventure. :)

And, my treat for you today is a fun little video my brother and some friends made a few years back. I was the camera girl for the first half. And might I add that many of the funny parts were my ideas (okay, I thought they were funny, your opinion may vary)

And now,

An Emo's Musical



Note: Yes, he was eating those dog treats. Yes, he is wearing eye liner. I mean uh- GUY liner. Don't question. Just love.

.... Life is like an empty cookie jar...

The Knee -A (silly) Pain that Will Not Be Easily Forgotten (part 2)

As promised, I shall share with you the story of my "Darth Vader" scar, as I like to call it. Enjoy :)

It was the first real day of summer after sixth grade, and who doesn't want to celebrate graduating elementary school? (Oh what I wouldn't give to go back... how could you look forward to the gloom of middle school?) Not to long before that, my brother Blake moved out and we removed the carpet in his room. His old room is across from my old room, and in between there is the wood floor of the hallway. Since we ripped out the carpet, there was a bit of an edge where the doorway was. Nothing big, but you could easily stumble over it.

When he moved out, we relocated some of the spare computers we had to his old room so we could actually use them. And with the cement floor, I thought it sounded awesome to blast music in there! My brothers and my parents were out fixing up the duplex so a different brother, Trevor, could move into it with his wife. Thus, no one was home. I could rock out as loud as I wanted to.

If you read my previous post, you are aware that my friend Maddy was present when I shattered my tooth. Well, she is kind of my bad luck charm or something. Because I decided to invite her over so we celebrate together. We sang many a song, but after a while, it got old. We thought it'd be legit to spice things up and get out the strobe light we had in the closet. Dance around in the flashing light that seems to freeze time. Heck yeah!

We got out the dusty old thing, and set it up. We had waaaay too much fun. But we thought we would invite over another friend to make it a mad dance party. Our dear friend Matthew to be exact. But he would take a while to get to my house, for he had to walk. So we continued our fun.

We then heard ominous footsteps up stairs. My brother Colton came home, and came down stairs, asking us what the heck we were doing. We just laughed and explained how bored we were and how much fun we were having. So he left us alone... For a short while.

Not long after, he came back with is air soft gun, and chased us all over the house. He didn't actually shoot us, but it was still frightening. We ran back downstairs to the room we had been partying in, and turned off the normal light, but the strobe light stayed on. We hid in the closet, knowing he would probably find us, but it was the only option we had left!

Slowly he crept down the hallway... and you could hear each step echo. Sitting in the dark, your heart begins to race! It was like a horror movie! He went into my room, came back out, and came into the room where we were hiding. He walked up to the closet and paused dramatically. Suddenly, he opened the closet door, and I booked it out of there as fast as I could! Yeah, disaster waiting to happen.

I ran out, but the strobe light was on. I couldn't see what I was doing very well. And little did I know my tiny dog was in the room too. The light flashed, and I saw him just in time to try to jump over him... Somehow I stumbled in the process...

WHAM!!

My knee slammed head on into that dull ledge of the wood floor in the hallway. I let out a banshee scream and my brother freaked out. He rushed and turned on the light, just in time for me to see the skin separate and gush blood. I let out another very loud scream, as you can imagine. Quickly, I grabbed around my my knee not touching the cut and just sat there freaking out. He scooped me up and we went upstairs where we wrapped it in toilet paper and one of those sports wraps to try and stop the bleeding.

During this time, Matthew showed up at the door. He was a bit confused to see me on the couch with tears streaming down my face and my leg slightly purplish-blue from the lack of circulation it waws receiving (my brother wrapped it really tight). They sat and laughed while my brother re-wrapped it. Thanks a lot guys :P

So we called my parents and told them I needed Trevor, who worked at the hospital as an EMT, to come check it out and see how bad it was. It took a while, but eventually they showed up. He said I needed stitches for sure, so off we went to the urgent care. It took them like 2 hours to get me back, because they never gave us the stupid paper work... By that time, I just wanted to get it done and over with. The lady asked how it happened, and I just kinda laughed while I tried to explain how I managed to split my knee open by falling on a wood floor. She was extremely confused, and stopped asking questions. Then injected my knee with some weird stuff that made it go all cool and numb. But it only got weirder from there. When they started to sew me up, I could feel the thread go through my skin, like I could feel it tug, but I couldn't feel the pain. Sooo trippy.

Eventually it was done. I received 12 stitches, and my knee looked like a baseball for a while; A very prune-like baseball. Yumm....

I couldn't run or swim for the first two weeks of summer, so instead I sat in front of the TV and played twilight princess with a tub of peanut butter and a spoon by my side. It was pretty epic. At least I beat the game, right?

And now, the scar looks kind of like Darth Vader's breathing vent when I squish it all together. I often draw faces on it and laugh. :)

A (silly) Pain that Will Not Be Easily Forgotten- Part 1

Today, I remembered how much I love the scar on my knee, and my front tooth with a funny line across it (if you look close enough). Oh how much I love the stupid ways I received these battle wounds. It just further proves that I am ridiculous. I think you will enjoy these stories of humorous pain. So today I share with you the story of the shattered tooth. Tomorrow, you will receive the story of the silly scar on my knee.

It was finally the weekend, something which I had looked forward to as a innocent 4th grader (I think...). I suppose any kid looks forward to the weekend, but that's beside the point. My friend Maddy came home with me from school, and we were so excited to finally hang out and have a sleep over! We ran in the house and got some food, snack foods that made my hands all covered in yummy stuff. So I went into the bathroom to wash away this yummy powdery goodness off my hands. Just as I finished washing them, before I had a chance to dry them off, I had the urge to sneeze. But who wants to cover there mouth with wet hands you just washed? So I turned my body to sneeze away from the counter tile.

BAM!

At least, that's what I thought. For those of you who don't know, my sneezes can be rather violent. Not to mention that the average sneeze can travel at up to 100 miles per hour. That doesn't exactly mean that my body was moving that fast, but it sure had a lot of force moving it towards the tile counter. Because half of my tooth was SHATTERED.

If you've never chipped or broken a tooth, you can't exactly relate to the shooting pain that it brings you. Having a chipped tooth is painful enough. But it only adds to it when you look in the mirror to see that half of your tooth is gone, and you can see pieces of it obliterated on the counter. It adds that metal factor of "OH MY GOSH... OH MY GOSH... OH MY GOSH!!!!"

So I come out of the bathroom crying so hard I can even think about talking. Also consider that the tooth was so sensitive to the air that I couldn't have spoken even if I wasn't shedding mass amounts of tears. My friend sees me bawling for no apparent reason and seems really confused. I run out to my mom, who is still in the car, and try to explain to her what happened, but she couldn't understand me. I just simply opened my mouth and she sort of understood.

We went back inside, and tried calling my dentist. But of course, he doesn't work on Fridays. So we had to find another dentist to try and fix it. Eventually we did, so we took my friend back home and off I went to the office to get my tooth repaired.

Trying to tell that story to a dentist is a bit odd. I can only imagine how hard it was for that man to not laugh. But luckily he got the job done and I went back out with a new tooth. But you can still see where the line is if you look close enough at my teeth. Good story eh?

Am I Who People Think I Am?

I'm always crazy and optimistic and (very) loud. Why Do I have friends? Sometimes I ask this as kind of a joke, but I mean really. What in the world to people find "attractive" when they see me act like an idiot in public?

I'm pretty sure I surpass insanity, and I have got to be annoying. Definitely awkward. I make stupid noises a lot. I tend to scream or panic for fear of being put into a choke hold (which has happened multiple times today) or other such things. The sad part is that I'm not always like that. Even though I'm sure that's what everyone sees me as, I can be quite calm.

In fact, I prefer to be calm. Almost all of the music I listen to is very calm and relaxing, and music says a lot about a person if you ask me. I just feel that I can't be chill and calm when I am surrounded by lots of people. This is why I like one on one time. Or very small groups.

I am capable of holding a real conversation without awkward moments. Without stupid noises, without stumbling over all my words. In fact, I love having real conversations in person. I love getting to know someone on a personal level. I just don't like being in public and feeling the pressure of being funny and crazy and energetic all the time.

These days it seems that no one wants to be around someone who is chill. So someone different pops out. I become more social, even if it's not what I prefer. Because if I'm not, people assume I am feeling down, or I am angry or things like that. I don't see what's wrong with someone who just wants to listen. I can be fun without being crazy, but I feel like that's not what people want.

This all sounds much more dramatic than it actually is. I'm not hating on myself, or saying I don't love my friends who are already better than I deserve or that I am not ever myself, or that I am extremely unhappy with my life and I am emo.

I just want to find someone that doesn't have to ask me if anything is wrong, because they can tell the difference between negative emotions and just wanting to be calm. They know that in either case, I can always use a hug. They know when all else fails, giving me a good smile and a chill conversation will settle my nerves. They know I'd love to laugh with them about things. They don't care if I just collapse on their shoulder and stay there. We could lie on the floor or on a bed or on the couches or in the grass and just talk. We could stuff our faces with yummy food and not worry about being polite; steal each other's food without asking, talk with your mouth full if you have something to say. But I still want someone who knows when it's important to be serious and polite. I guess you could say I want someone who honestly admires me for who I am at heart, not how I act around others. Whether that be a friend or someone who means something more, I just want that human connection.

I hope someone will see that soon. I feel a little lost right now, I just want someone who can help me to feel more myself again.

Or maybe I'm just being a girl. Whatever. I need to cut this out.

With love,
Tom

Energy Dangerously Low!

Mmm... Today was not my day. Yeah, not so much.

I woke up somewhat sleep deprived, thanks to the break and my terrible sleeping habits. And I also found that I have plantar fasciitis (an annoying constant pain in the heal of your foot, which stays there for how ever long it pleases, and I've heard gets worse with time). To add to the not so wonderful morning, I had to say good bye to my brother, because he and his family left this morning to go back to Arizona. I'm not a fan of saying good bye. All in all, the morning wasn't so great.

School was meh. It felt unusually dream like. Mostly because I had to think about the audition all day. Which, when the time came, I had the urge to say "FUDGE!!" Really loud after all my mistakes. Like sight reading only the first line of the page. Then waiting for him to tell me to move on, and realizing that he expected the whole song to be played. FAIL. Haha I think it's rather comical actually.

But my friends made the day feel a lot better. Most of them told me that things would be alright, and that they screwed up too. Or just gave me really big hugs and told me things that make the day better. Yay good friends!

And for a treat, I share with you the song that kind of expresses my mood today. Gotta love that Final Fantasy 6 music, it always has the balance of emotion that I need to give myself sometimes.

Better When Left in Dreams

Yeah, it sounds a little... emo. But it's poetry. That's what 90% of it is. Hope you enjoy it anyway :)

Better When Left in Dreams

I thought out all of the chances,
The plans I knew would never come true;
My silly and classical days dreams of you.

But I regret second glances,
I'm relying on memories and thoughts I have saved
That constantly remind me of the proper way to behave.

How naively can I continue to act?
Under what pressure will my barrier snap?

While my emotions run ramped,
I remind myself to think,
What kind of person pushes their own sanity to the brink?

What kind of cause is worth pain to the heart?
Of what value is it when you know you must eventually part?

Reality leaves me no sweet song to sing,
And I realize that it's all better when left in dreams.

I Had a (really weird and messed up) Dream

So last night, I had a really odd dream. That isn't unusual for me, but I have no idea where this one came from...

Well, I was driving with some friends from marching band to California, where we were all going to meet up with the rest of the marching band and do some performances. But before we had a real on the field performance, we decided to go to some creepy, knock off Disneyland place.

I thought we still had a while to drive, so I decided to brush my teeth... in the car...? Then we went through a tunnel, but while in the tunnel, the car transformed into a roller coaster car and we began to shoot straight up, like Wicked at lagoon. We went through the entire roller coaster, and I had tooth paste foam all over my face, and on part of the track. I wasn't exactly trilled. Nor were the janitors.

Once we got off the roller coaster, I saw a good chunk of the band in uniform playing pep band music for the line of people waiting in line, with the drum major conducing and everything. Needless to say, I was confused as to why everyone was already there, and why we were playing for a roller coaster line.

Then randomly the dream skipped to the performance. But it was at the beginning of the new season instead of at the end. I guess everyone learned the new show charts and music and choreography while we were driving there. Except me.

The stadium was full, like a freakin superbowl game. Becca had given me a spot on the field, even though I had no idea what I was doing. She said to just go out there and try to match everyone else. Yeah... that doesn't work. So I go out there, expecting to at least have a flag or something so I can at least pretend to know what I am doing, but no. Because for some random reason, we decided to do a hip hop show. How you play hip hop music in marching band, I don't know. But we did.

I can't dance hip hop. Scratch that. I can't dance in general. But I am really bad at hip hop.

Half way through the song, I am out there dancing like an idiot, when I realize that all the color guard went off the field. A superbowl sized audience watched me screw up big time. And when I booked it back to the side line where the rest of the girls were, I found that my friend was filming me the whole time. I wasn't happy. And everyone else was laughing.

So the moral of the story is...

Don't brush your teeth in the car, and don't do a hip hop marching band show. No good will come of it.

Clean Slate

New Years... A time for resolutions. I have never really tried to make new years resolutions, but why not try? It's supposed to be a time of starting fresh. And heaven knows I need a fresh start. Really badly. Will I stick to all of these? Probably not, but heck, I'm going to try.

1. Try to be patient with myself.
2. Finish the things I start- All the way through.
3. Stop letting my parents down.
4. Spend time and become good at something.
5. Stop texting and facebooking so much, I want to start talking on the phone or in person instead. Sure, it's more awkward, but it totally builds real friendships.
6. Actually study and strive to learn instead of just going for a grade.
7. Always be honest with how I feel.
8. Stop trying to get someone to notice me, and just be noticed for who I already am.
9. Don't trash talk anyone in anyway. Ever.
10. Go running or do some sort of exercise.
11. Stop being afraid of everything.
12. Try new foods, and try not to be picky.
13. Find a job.
14. Get new music.
15. Brighten someone's day.
16. Keep my room clean.
17. Orginize my thoughts.
18. Don't be confusing to others.
19. Stop being a sarcastic punk, unless they know me like that.
20. Ask someone on a date.

Let's make it a good year kids. It's time to shine. :)