Am I Who People Think I Am?

I'm always crazy and optimistic and (very) loud. Why Do I have friends? Sometimes I ask this as kind of a joke, but I mean really. What in the world to people find "attractive" when they see me act like an idiot in public?

I'm pretty sure I surpass insanity, and I have got to be annoying. Definitely awkward. I make stupid noises a lot. I tend to scream or panic for fear of being put into a choke hold (which has happened multiple times today) or other such things. The sad part is that I'm not always like that. Even though I'm sure that's what everyone sees me as, I can be quite calm.

In fact, I prefer to be calm. Almost all of the music I listen to is very calm and relaxing, and music says a lot about a person if you ask me. I just feel that I can't be chill and calm when I am surrounded by lots of people. This is why I like one on one time. Or very small groups.

I am capable of holding a real conversation without awkward moments. Without stupid noises, without stumbling over all my words. In fact, I love having real conversations in person. I love getting to know someone on a personal level. I just don't like being in public and feeling the pressure of being funny and crazy and energetic all the time.

These days it seems that no one wants to be around someone who is chill. So someone different pops out. I become more social, even if it's not what I prefer. Because if I'm not, people assume I am feeling down, or I am angry or things like that. I don't see what's wrong with someone who just wants to listen. I can be fun without being crazy, but I feel like that's not what people want.

This all sounds much more dramatic than it actually is. I'm not hating on myself, or saying I don't love my friends who are already better than I deserve or that I am not ever myself, or that I am extremely unhappy with my life and I am emo.

I just want to find someone that doesn't have to ask me if anything is wrong, because they can tell the difference between negative emotions and just wanting to be calm. They know that in either case, I can always use a hug. They know when all else fails, giving me a good smile and a chill conversation will settle my nerves. They know I'd love to laugh with them about things. They don't care if I just collapse on their shoulder and stay there. We could lie on the floor or on a bed or on the couches or in the grass and just talk. We could stuff our faces with yummy food and not worry about being polite; steal each other's food without asking, talk with your mouth full if you have something to say. But I still want someone who knows when it's important to be serious and polite. I guess you could say I want someone who honestly admires me for who I am at heart, not how I act around others. Whether that be a friend or someone who means something more, I just want that human connection.

I hope someone will see that soon. I feel a little lost right now, I just want someone who can help me to feel more myself again.

Or maybe I'm just being a girl. Whatever. I need to cut this out.

With love,
Tom