Bitter, breaking, bland and brash-
A censored thought is outward cast,
Time so senseless and time deprived
has often passed with one surprised,
Tick tock... tick tock... the moments never to be regained.

Brilliant, bold, beastly, broad,
Now eyes cast downward as they trod,
Once so youthful with more to give,
Struggle now for breath to live,
Back and forth... Back and forth... the motions seem the same.

Love,
Tom

Oh yeah, I have a blog... I should probably update that....

Well, good news! I'm not dead.

In fact I'm very much alive. Despite wanting to curl up in a ball and cry about school sometimes, I feel... really fantastic. It's weird. Usually I try to come off as optimistic, but secretly I like to be a pessimist so I'm always pleasantly surprised when things go well. But lately I feel naturally optimistic. And I am so confused by this currently that while I type about it, my eyebrows are going up and down wildly.

Yep. That much.

I can't say I'm completely to blame for my positive attitude change. I've got some pretty swell people who have set me on this path. Chances are if you are reading this, you are one of them. When I feel like crap, I've had a lot of people ready and willing to help me get back on my feel. It's like their all compacted into one little magic drug pill that I can take and I'm instantly better. Something like this.

There are more people that would go into the drug, I just couldn't draw everyone accurately and I got lazy so I only did a few. I love you though, even if you aren't in the magical drug representation.

It's just so nice to know that the people you care about care about you too. Isn't that kinda why we are here and what it's all about? I think so. When you let someone in and they let you in, you just feel safe and secure and it makes going through the day a lot easier. You need to know that other people have hard times, and that better times are ahead. That's why I love you guys. You are fantastic. :)

Life is awesome you guys. Love it! Cause I love you!

Love, Tom

Random thoughts for the day:

I can blame the sumarians for screwing up my mind when I was younger. I was always thrown off, because time was counted by 6s (60 minutes to an hour) and money was by 10s. I'd always mix up the two. CURSE YOU SUMARIANS!

There are a few things that tend to die when I am stressed: my skin, my motivation, my social life, my blog, more motivation, and self confidence. But whateves. NBD

Lies are dumb. And gross. Don't tell them.

I'm either really good at reading people, or everyone else is pretty crappy at it. Which is fine either way I guess, because then I get a sort of upper hand. But not really. But maybe someday I will!

...Why is Jimmer here?

Dark colored skin is awesome. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so straight up white. I could be black, or poly. I'd even take some asian. But that's not really gonna change any time soon...

I respect real men! They are awesome too! Too bad they are all really confusing.

I want some yummy food. And someone to cuddle with. I'm cold and hungry.

2 points

2 points too little.
2 weeks too long.
3 tries too many.
1 year short.

Not enough. Close, but never quite there.


And yet, there was still a rainbow.
No. That's not a metaphor. I was being literal.

On another note, enjoy this.

Sometimes Songs Make Me Cry When I Try to Sing Them. NBD

Mostly the second verese.



Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the roses falling
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.
And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave will warmer, sweeter be
For you will bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.

Someday... the Big Day.

Maybe it's just silly to put this on a blog for every one to see, but this blog is also a kind of journal for me. It's fun to go back and read through all the posts and remember what was associated with them. So here it is.

The Dream:

Picture yourself outside... It's a cool evening on a dock or near some beautiful body of water in late summer or early fall. You can feel the crisp, gentle breeze on your skin. There are lights and paper lanterns strung above you, complimenting the moon and the stars. The tables dressed with crimson candles gleaming and faces smiling. People both young and old are dancing to jazz and swing. And when things start to settle down, you can hear the crickets as the night ends just perfectly.

I never thought I'd be the girl who would plan what she wanted for a wedding before the actual relationship came along. In fact, I told my parents I would be tempted to just elope in the temple and not throw a celebration at all, because that's not what it's about (and planning a wedding just sucks, I've seen it way too many times. I hated cleaning them up, and I wouldn't want someone to have to do it for me). But I've gone and done it. Not on purpose, it's all just gradually come together in my head. I felt like I should write it down though- so I don't forget. Because it's good, dang it!

Well, I personally think the biggest thing for the wedding (besides the actual marriage itself) will be the music. I decided, if nothing else, I will have a jazz band at my wedding reception. That has to happen. Otherwise, I'll just elope.

For those of you who aren't aware, I have a huge soft spot for jazz, big band, swing, crooner style music. If you ask me, it's most human as far as music goes. It sounds so alive, so passionate and so real. Mainstream music is great and all, but I don't think it'll ever touch the soul that jazz has; it won't even come close. Some of my personal favorites are Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole (and Micheal Buble, but he's a more modernized version of it all. It still gets me though).

When I was listening to good ol' Nat, I saw that it's the song of how I want to feel about my future husband. And here it is.

I love you for sentimental reasons

I hope you do believe me

I'll give you my heart

I love you and you alone were meant for me

Please give your loving heart to me

And say we'll never part

I think of you every morning

Dream of you every night

Darling, I'm never lonely

Whenever you are in sight

I love you for sentimental reasons

I hope you do believe me

I've given you my heart

Now believe me, this isn't the only song that I want played. This is just the song I picture for the first dance, or that incredibly romantic moment when you realize how in love you are. Ya know? (Yes, I am this much of a hopeless romantic. I just try not to put it out there that much). But you gotta have a good variety!

Some other songs I'd like to have include the following:

Yeah, anything of this sort is gonna be at my wedding. Just saying. My husband better like jazz music...

With love,
Tom

Music basically Rocks.

Here are some of my favorite songs right now. Just so ya know :)

$3 Inspiration

 

 

It's amazing what a few bucks and a trip to DI can do for the soul.

 

Note: If you don't actually want to read any back story, and want some good quotes, skip to the bottom. I'll make a nice big title thingy that will say "Quotes!". Just for you lazy types :)

When I was younger and had all my siblings living at home, my older brother Trevor would always take me places. He was the brother who actually liked to do things with me. He'd take me to the mall, let me hang out with his girlfriend, take me out to eat, and so many other things. But my favorite thing to do with him was to go to DI. We'd shop around the whole place looking at all the cool and random things we could find. We had a set pattern of how we would browse the store. It's true. Not that it was intentional, but it just kinda happened every time we went.

Every time we went, he'd always stop and look at the books. Never at novels or fiction, because he always read to learn. He'd buy books on how to start a business successfully, hypnosis studies, and how-to's on just about anything. I thought he was just silly. But now I have picked up the habit.

Yesterday I went to DI after looking around in the library for a while. I wanted my own collection of books that I could mark up and read and study without needing to return them. So I spent at least half an hour looking through just one isle of non fiction books. I ended up buying "Mastering Healthcare Terminology", "Drawing From Life" and "The Harper Book of Quotations"

The last book I almost didn't buy. I thought I'd never actually use it; that I just liked the idea of buying it and using it. But it was only 3 bucks, so I figured "What the heck! Why not?"

Let's just say this book has quotations that I needed to hear. Holy crap. Let's just share some of them below.

 

 

Quotes!

 

"The joy of life is variety; the tenderest love requires to be renewed by intervals of absence."
- Samuel Johnson

 

"We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love -- first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage."
- Albert Camus

 

"The irony of love is that it guarantees some degree of anger, fear and criticism."
- Harold H. Bloomfield

 

"The more you let yourself go, the less others let you go."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

 

" Weak people cannot be sincere."
- La Rochefoucauld

 

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love -- for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of [God]* no less than the trees and the stars; you have right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."
- From the works of Max Ehrmann

 

*Originally it said "the universe" instead of God. Just my small adjustment to the quote.

 

And those are just a few of the fantastic quotes in this book. I've already spent at least an hour just looking through a few quotes. It's been awesome :)

 

With love,

Tom



Erosion

No one cares to think, write or read
With proper words that should supersede
the face of low commonality.
Thus we see our tongues now rot.

Artificial bridges "built to last",
Were shapped by such conniving casts.
True strength- so solid- long since past;
An art form now forgot.

While dusk and dawn continue on,
I find their light less crisp.
No bridges left to tread upon,
Save those with too high a risk.

With love,
Tom

Does this Sound Like Me to You?

So I went for it. I took a personality type test. I've taken one similar to this before, but the middle two questions are always so hard for me to decide on. I took it twice and read both my results, the first being the Analytical Thinker and the second being the Sensitive Doer. I'm gonna copy and paste chunks of it.

(Before I begin, you should take the test and see your results. Post em here if you'd like! I want to hear what you guys are! http://www.ipersonic.com/ )

Analytical Thinkers are reserved, quiet persons. They like to get to the bottom of things - curiosity is one of their strongest motives. They want to know what holds the world together deep down inside. They do not really need much more to be happy because they are modest persons... Analytical Thinkers loathe contradictions and illogicalness... You usually put a critical distance between yourself and others that enables you to be the keen and incorrupt observer of life. This distance can be truly bridged by only very few other people. That is probably caused by the fact that you are not all that interested to share your thoughts with others. Generally it is sufficient for you to have clarified a matter for yourself or that you have understood something; the continuous, in your eyes, mostly superficial chatter of the people around you becomes rather annoying... Once you have learned something, you’ll never forget it - unless you consider it to be irrelevant for some reason and decide that it seems to be better purging it from your data storage...


Sensitive Doers are gentle, modest and reserved persons. They cope well with everyday life and like their privacy. With their quiet, optimistic nature, they are also good, sought-after listeners and other people feel well in their company. All in all, this type is the most likeable and friendliest of all personality types. Tolerance and heir regard for others distinguish their personality. They are very caring, generous and always willing to help. They are open to and interested in everything that is new or unknown to them. However, if their inner value system or their sense of justice is hurt, Sensitive Doers can suddenly and surprisingly become forceful and assertive.... You need a working environment without intrigue or political manipulation, and with the least possible deployment of elbows. Cooperation rather than confrontation, should be the order of the day.... You are almost limitlessly tolerant and always prepared to accept others as they are. As a consequence, you very rarely have problems getting along with different people. The only exception: when your private value system is hurt or you notice injustice somewhere. In that case, you can react quite forcefully but even in the most heated dispute you always try to argue respectfully and fairly.... Appreciation by others is not entirely unimportant to you. In spite of all your mental independence, you appreciate receiving positive feedback


Well, there you have it. Me in a nutshell I guess. :)

Love,
Tom

Is It Any Wonder Why I Want To Explode Sometimes?

So I have tried to come up with a social web of doom for a while, this is thus far the best I could do. Sadly, this is simplified. Well, as much as I could at least. Hahaha if you can figure it all out, you deserve a prize.

Emotional Monster

Ever heard the song Waiting for the End by Linkin Park? Well my friend posted a version on her blog that I love love love. Like really love. It's almost sick how much I love it. I have listened to it at least 4 times every day, plut the 20 that times when I first heard it. Yeah. I cried listening to it at one point. Gosh that is lame. But true.

Here it is.


Anyway, on to my thoughts. They tie in with the song, promise.

Isn't it funny how you can hear the same music every day, and never pay attention to it? Then something happens and suddenly you hear those little lyrics that mean something more to you, or it seems like the songs that show how you feel are constantly playing? Yeah, I am going through that right now.

I'm not usually a softy who cries or junk like that, but I will admit I have shed some tears these past few days. Not full out crying, but like those little tears that come when you are frustrated or something just kinda hits you like a brick wall. (okay, if something litteraly hit you like a brick wall, I am sure you would be more than a little misty eyed. Just to clarify, it's figurative.)

Gah, I am just sick of these sad songs, so I go listen to my "I don't give a crap, I am gonna have a good time, gosh dang it!!" Music. Then, I want to be sad again. Geez. What kind of emotional monster have I turned into??

Oh, I know. This kind.

That's me! :D

Ah well, gotta let it sting sometimes right? Emotions make us human! Not monsters!

With love,
And lots of other emotions,
Tom

Little Wonders

"Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder,
Don't you know,
The hardest part is over,
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you,
In the end,
We will only just remember how it feels.

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you,
Let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you,
And I don't mind,
If it's me you need to turn to,
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end."

-Little Wonders by Rob Thomas


This song is just the most hopeful song for me. Love it. So much. Every time I get stressed or feel like my emotions are all over the place, I now find myself humming and saying the lyrics in my head. The power of the sub-conscience is really something, eh?

I realize that I need to go find my little wonders in these small hours. Just like the song says (yes, I didn't post the chorus. Deal with it. Make it an excuse to go look it up). The past is in the past. But don't forget the past, because the past is our foundation. So hey! Let's be glad for what we got and look for those little wonders. I know I need to.

Love,
Tom

You break it, You buy it.

Yeah I was talking with my friend about being bought instead of being married, and randomly these basic buying rules came to my mind.

You break it, you buy it.
If you aren't satisfied within (insert amount of days here), return it for a full refund.
(insert number of months or years here) warranty!

So maybe this is how some people's minds work when it comes to relationships.

1. If you are broken, people are attracted to you. Or feel obligated to fix you.
2. People make a "commitment" and then back out when things aren't so easy any more to find someone new who is less "complicated"
3. People will stay together a certain amount of time to just test the "warranty"

This sounds awfully pesimistic, but hey! it could be true.

With love,
Tom

Cake is Really Just a Simplified Version of Life

When I turned nine, I really wanted a certain cake for my birthday. I wanted an ice cream cake. Not just any ice cream cake, but a Lord of the Rings one from Cold Stone. I had the flavor I wanted picked out in my head and everything. It was going to be perfect. I was so excited for my mom to bring it home that night! But, when she came home, I saw no Frodo or Sam on my cake. No Gandalf. Not even a few horses or orcs. I was horrified to see pink... Bright shades of pink and green. What I saw before me was no epic battle between good and evil in edible form. Instead, just the innocent face of none other than Strawberry Shortcake.

(note: The camera date is incorrect)

Of all the cakes she could have gotten me, she picked the one I honestly disliked. I would rather have had a generic happy birthday with no decorations. It was the complete opposite of the cake I wanted, in literally every way. It was the opposite flavor and style.

But you know what? That cake was still good. In fact, it was dang good. It still held my candles, it still make my stomach happy, and at the end of the day I was satisfied.

You know, sometimes you hope for things. You make silly little plans. You say to yourself that you know what you want and you wait for things to turn out like you want them to. Yeah, the cake analogy was a bit odd, but it seemed to simplify the concept.

"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"

Ain't that the truth? This has got to be one of my favorite lyrics of all time. It has stuck with me. It really is truth though. We can't make plans and expect them to always work. Things change. People change. And while we shouldn't stop planning, don't be discouraged when your course is changed. Yeah, sometimes it sucks... a whole lot. But maybe a different cake is what you need in your life.

With Love,
Tom

Understanding

Sometimes, I am just done with people.

Right now at least...

Is it any wonder why though? I don't know who I can trust, besides a select few at the moment. And I mean a very select few. Like, two or three tops. I just feel like no one gets how I work. I just want someone to understand me. I don't want sympathy, I don't want advise, I don't want someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I just want to talk. I just want to be heard without people making statements and judgements before I finish my thoughts. Thank goodness for my heaven sent friend who understands that. The poor girl gets the extreme highs and lows I go through.

I feel back stabbed. I feel the lack of communication. I feel the sorrow for other people's trials. I feel heart ache. I feel so lost. I feel hope, but not for the present. I feel like I just want to fast forward a few years and just be done with all this stupid teenager crap. I feel so many personal things that I want to share, but I don't feel like I can, because I don't know who can keep a secret.

So whatever you may think of me, I'm not always a happy girl. I am not a service robot who can always help you out without feeling somewhat used or overworked sometimes. I can't just keep going without feeling run down. I can't always try to make everyone happy, and I will never be able to satisfy everyone. And when most people are satisfied, I end up with all the hurt. I try so hard to be the me that every one loves, but it's only one side... Is it wrong to want to be loved when you aren't in the best mood? When all you want is just someone to squeeze you and let you tell them everything without expecting their turn to talk?

Dear Music,

Thank you music. For laughing with me. For crying with me. For knowing exactly how I feel. For giving me strength. For letting me express how I feel openly with you. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone, and that there is better and worse out there. Thanks for those emotional songs that twist the knife, dig deep into your soul, let your pain fester to let you remember your emotions, and then almost always end on a happy note-- as if to remind you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for the songs that speak the words I couldn't come up with on my own, and help me keep my head high. I won't give up anytime soon, I know I've got you on my side.

With love,
Tom

Haha I love when a song is randomly stuck in my head and then I realize that it is my subconscious basically singing what I am thinking about. Ever had that happen? It's a funny thing really. I quite enjoy it.

:)

Short and Sweet

The George Michael saxophone prank (thanks for that Zach), Hot Kool-Aid in the hotel room (thank you Jasmine!) and clinitions that sound like the dad in Finding Nemo. That's what Band tour is made of. Well, that and plenty of awesome rehearsal time. I have to say it was a unique experience, something I won't forget for some years to come. I feel like I improved a lot, but there is always room for more improvement. I love you band! :) I don't know what I would do without you guys.

Bag of Goodness and the Shape of Hate

I now know the cause of my social insanity! Or at least I am beginning to understand all of it.

Here it goes.

I hate social circles. I hate limiting myself to a certain group of people, because then people feel left out, or there isn't enough variety, or you get sick of each other or other such problems. But the reason social circles exist is because the people within them all get along. They are comfortable with the others in the group and can feel at ease for social gatherings. Which is how these circles are formed.

Just because I hate these social circles does not mean I wouldn't like to be involved in them though. And by that I mean I would like to be invited to do things with various circles. I just don't want to be a part of only one circle. I would love to participate in activities with groups A, B, 3, Q, 082cx and other. Just as long as I am not obligated to do EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME with them.

The thing is that I want to be able to mix all my close friends into one circle that isn't really a circle of it's own. Just a group of people that is comfortable with one another, but not pressured into being close with everyone in that group. It's like... Sweet and Salty Honey Chex Mix. Or whatever the heck it is. The Bag of Goodness. (see diagram below)

Each piece on it's own is freakin tasty, but all together they are ultra tasty as well. They can be in the same bag together, but they can also go be in their individual pretzel bag, or their chex cereal box. They are like "Hey, I'm cool. I would love to hang out with that weird graham cracker thing and that pretzel tonight! But I think next weekend I will just chill with the rice chex for a bit. Maybe party it up with the corn ones later." You know what I mean?

It just makes me sad that sometimes people think they can't get along because they are from other social circles. Why the heck not try to get along with someone you don't know? It's part of the fun!

All in all, I just wish I could have my bag of goodness, and eat it too.

Love,
Tom

Ride the Waves

I'm going to get away for a while. Even if it's only in my dreams.

I'll find a way to visit that sandy beach again. I'll get back to those waters and try surfing, standing on my own feet while the waves push me back to shore, where I will find friendly faces that welcome me back, even if my ride wasn't successful. I'll paddle back out, and wait for the right wave to come so I can try again and again to stand up on my own until I get it right.

It's funny how this is like an analogy for life.

I miss surfing. I only did it once, but I loved it. More than that, I loved being there with what I claim as my family. I miss that whole trip. I miss those wonderful people and the great times I had with them.

I know I haven't always been the best, but I want to have that back again. I'm sorry I'm such a punk. Let's just go back to how things were. Deal?

Stuffs 'N More Stuffs

Well, here's a bunch of random thoughts I've been saving up for the past few days. Here ya go.

#1 I realized yesterday that I will, sometime in the next 10 years (or so) I will have to change my name due to marriage. I always knew that someday my last name would change, but it suddenly hit me yesterday... I will be Mrs. (insert new last name here)... for the rest of my life. Little kids will learn my name as Mrs. So and so instead of Thomas. This kind of makes me a little sad... I like my last name. It's boring to some I suppose, but I rather enjoy it. It fits me.

#2 I soo wish I could sing well. I can sing a tune, but not well. I wish I could sing jazz, like the song the jazz band performs called "Misty". I have fallen in love with that song. It makes me feel like cuddling and being in love. (Just for the record, I am so jealous of her voice... That is a voice that has some serious power.) But hey, maybe I'll improve, I am trying out for a capella after all. Woo?

#3 I have no idea what I am particularly good at. I do lots of stuff, but I am not really good at any one thing. I love music, art, writing, science, being physically active, and as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of like math when I understand it and I can do it. But I am not amazing at any of that. I need to just pick something and become great at it. Any votes?

#4 My social life is all over the place. Why is it that when one thing settles down something else is stirred up? I don't get it. But whatever! I am happy with my crazy life!

#5 I have the ability to be good at stuff, I just haven't tried to be really good at anything. Gah... I miss the days when I was one of the best at the things I did with just natural ability. Too bad I never kept up on anything I did. Meh, now I just have to work even harder to be good at something.

#6 I think I might actually totally love martial arts. I've only done it once so far, but I really liked it. And I totally need to be able to defend myself. So we will see where that goes.

#7 If you actually read this blog, you should comment on this and say something. It doesn't even have to be related. I am just curious as to who actually reads this junk. Because it's kinda pointless usually. But I love you! :D

Love,
Tom

Today Was My Day

Oh thank you. Thank you for today. I needed today so very badly. I can't even begin to tell you how great it was.

So I was sick-ish on tuesday, which means that I had my share of hiding away for a while. No school and tons of sleep makes for a happy Hannah... er, Tom. Whatever. Essencially, I had my day to refresh. I then had my day to try go get back into the groove of things, which was Wednesday. It was a pretty okay day, after only 4 hours of sleep that is. And then today comes along and I feel amazing. I was productive, I felt smart, I spent time with one of my best friends, I felt together and at peace. Man! I feel so dang good! And tomorrow will be fantastic too! :D


Thank you world. Thank you friends. I love you.

Tom

Denmark and Malaysia

I slept wayy to much today. Like... 7 hours that I was supposed to be in school. Yeah. At least now I have motivation to work on my grades! I have hope now!! :D Anyway, on to the real subject.

Have you guys ever looked at the stats on your blog? You know, where you can see what areas of the world people are viewing your blog form? I took a look at it today and saw that besides the USA (obviously), these two wonderful countries read my blog! 33 and 39 views! Yay them! So here's to you guys.

Dear Denmark and Malaysia,

Thanks for reading my blog! I have no idea what makes this at all interesting to read (for anyone really), but I am glad you have read this random thing. You guys rock! :D

With love,
Tom

Call Me if You Need Me

How about I just hide away for the next few weeks? Sounds better all the time. It's quite possible that I could solve quite a few problems by just not exsisting for awhile. I feel as though I do more harm then help for my friends and family, so I'll just go lie in bed for the next forever. When someone wants me, they can come take me away and we can go have our own time. Until that time arrives, I will sleep, maybe do homework, eat food and watch movies. Movies full of happiness.

Cars Just Hate Me.

Today was my crash day. I feel like I've been pushing to keep going through the whole week just to get to the weekend, and now that I have finally done it, I have run out of energy. Thank goodness for Sundays, because I need to recover.

In other news, I have come to the conclusion that I should never buy a new car. You know why? Because I will somehow manage to break it.

Example one:

About a month ago, I had to take the truck so I could go to some event just up the street. My mom wanted me to drive because it was cold and dark, and she is a little paranoid sometimes. I began to pull out of the drive way when I realized I still had the break on. So I pull the handle to release it... and it snaps off. The plastic part just snapped off of the lever. What the...!? Luckily, you can still use the break, but you have to pull on the metal part instead of on the no-longer-existant handle.

Example two:

Yesterday, I was all ready to go to the Backstage Jazz Night, which is one of my favorite nights of the whole school year. I felt pretty good about the day, and this was only going to make the day better! So I asked my dad if he wanted me to take the red convertable -the car I am supposed to drive- and he said yes. So I got in the car and turned the key when I thought to myself "Hey! It's pretty nice outside right now! Why not just put the top down? It'll make the night even better!"...
It would have, if the back window didn't shatter in the process. That broke my heart a little bit on the inside.

So never let me buy a brand new car, because I'll probably just break it. Yay me....

At least the jazz night was awesome. Go jazz band, I love you.

With Love,
Tom.

Now that I see You

I adore this song. It's been stuck in my head all day, because I just feel great. And it is just an amazing song! Next song I need to learn on guitar? I think yes.


Rapunzel:
All those days
Watching from the windows
All those years
Outside looking in
All that time
Never even knowing
Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here
Blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here
Suddenly I see
Standing here
It's oh, so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last, I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last, I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once
Everything looks different
Now that I see you

Flynn:
All those days
Chasing down a daydream
All those years
Living in a blur
All that time
Never truly seeing
Things the way they were
Now she's here
Shining in the starlight
Now she's here
Suddenly I know
If she's here
It's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

Flynn/Rapunzel:
And at last, I see the light

Flynn:
And it's like the fog has lifted

Flynn/Rapunzel:
And at last, I see the light

Rapunzel:
And it's like the sky is new

Flynn/Rapunzel:
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once
Everything is different
Now that I see you
Now that I see you

Yes/No?

Yes! No? No!! Yes!... Yes? Yes/no? Uh...

I don't know.

Social life random-ness explosion. I love people. I dislike when things feel wrong with people. Things need to be right, and they often feel like they get all jumbled up in the big mess of society. Boo.

Either way, I love you all. There. Bam.

May I say that there is nothing better than blasting music when you feel a little down? Because it is truth. Blasting the Beatles? Even better! Especially when your brother randomly buys you a nice new sound system. I love my brother so very much, I wish to repay him soon. He comes to my concerts and buys me stuff just because he can and he cares. Thank you brother. :)

Yeeeaaaahhh... woot.

I am such a facebook addict. I never thought I was until I told myself I am going at least a week without it. This is just sad. Every Time I sit down at the computer, I open a new page and start to type "face" and nearly click the link. Then I type in blogger instead as fast as I can to try to avoid my facebook addiction. Come to think of it, I probably spend too much time on this thing. But it's better than facebook. It serves me some purpose, and people who actually care read it. It has a little more "me" than facebook does... which may or may not be a good thing. But that's beside the point.

I am slowly depending less on social media. Yay! That's the goal at least. To try to make time for the things that actually matter in my life. I did some of my homework today, which is a good sign. I practiced my clarinet, which is required considering the stuff we have to do in the next few weeks. I am scared for my life. I don't know if I can learn this stuff, or play it any time soon. I honestly want to cry a little bit. Not because it's hard, but because I feel like I can't physically learn it. Music can look so intimidating on paper. Not to mention that solo ensemble is tomorrow, and I don't even know if my pianist can make it. Shoot me now please. And I know I can't go to state because I have my music from the Internet, so why should I even go? I just need a good hug to calm me down. Yeah, that'd be good.

Life is alright! I can do this!

With love and and awkward half forced smile,
Tom.

I love my Daddy

I love my father. I love all my family of course, but I recently have been reminded what a good man he is. And how much I love him.

So on saturday, my brother did something that really made me mad (understatement of the week). Some of you may think that I never get mad, which is generally true. But what my brother did pushed me over the line. I managed to control myself from reacting, (besides saying things in my head and possibly calling him a not so nice name to his face) which was good. While sitting at the kitchen table the next day, my mom was told me not to be so mad at my brother, and that I should let it go. We filled in my dad on what happened, and he didn't say much. I then said that I had never been so tempted to flip someone off in my life. He began to smile, almost to say that he would have approved. Thank you father, for taking my side. (just to clarify, I never did flip him off, nor have I ever flipped anyone off, and I don't plan to.)

And, today, I decided to talk to him a bit. I told him that a cute guy had gotten my number somehow and he texted me randomly. He then replied "Oh it wasn't random." I was confused, so I asked him to clarify. "Well, he meant to text you right?" I nodded. "Then it wasn't random." My daddy sure knows how to make me smile. We then talked for a good long while, and I felt a lot better about almost everything going on in life. He makes me feel like I am worth something, and that what I say matters. I love that man.

What can I say? I'm a daddy's girl.

Love,
Tom

Music and Emotions

There are a couple songs that I have been stuck on recently. I just can't help but listen to them before bed. One night, I couldn't fall asleep. I pulled out my little random writing notebook and listened to the song, writing down the first words that popped into my head. I guess you could call it poetry...? It doesn't have rhyme or meter or anything that I usually do, but I liked it enough to share it. I've now gone through and put down the rough words into a more organized format and built on it. It's nothing fancy, and probably kind of lame, so I hope I don't ruin your image of these songs. Because no matter what you feel from them, they are very powerful.

I would recommend listening to the song then reading it, or vise-versa. Or reading it while listening. It doesn't quite match up with length of course, but the words to respond to certain parts of the song. Enjoy


(Clair De Lune by Debussy)

To lie in some one's arms,
Comfort recognized and shown.
Smiling softly in some one's embrace.
Ah, what feelings warm my heart.
Will I know such honest love?
Or will I sit in the dark for a time,
Waiting for someone to steal me away?

Day dreams, only day dreams,
To live in while the sun shines on my skin.
What beautiful dreams they are.
It brings me hope, that someday...
I can feel their sweetness
Their purity and warmth.

The endless pleasure and the endless care,
That two can bring together.
They give unselfishly,
They give up some hopes to build other realities,
To find their true happiness,
Together as one.
One, and only one.

The warmth that comes when two can rely on each other.
I wait in those day dreams,
That someday they will be real.
A reality which I would gladly accept


(A Lark Ascending by Van Williams)

Emotions that pull from the depth of the soul,
Yearning to be set free
From the logic that keeps them caged.
To sing sweetly from the heart,
And give breath to that which lies dormant-
Give others the courage to be heard from within.

Let it be known that we breath a sigh of relief when we sing with such fullness,
Now we may rest and be whole,
no longer fearing that which composes our very being.

Sparks of energy ignite excitement,
And pulls our humor from the gloom that
seems to cloud any daily lack of love.

Yet at the end of it all,
When are we without love?
What moment goes by without passion?
Gloom and despair are nothing
but a product of a love unfulfilled.

Sing again sweet lark,
Ascend to meet the creator of love himself.



With love,
Tom

Sou-clari-guard. My Very Own Section!

I'm beginning to feel like the ultimate band nerd.

Okay, I don't quite deserve that title, because I sure have a lot to learn. But, I am slowly getting there :)

And by "I have a lot to learn" I mean an entire instrument, and how to march all different ways. Because it is looking like I will be playing the beastly sousa for the Pearl Harbor Project. Basically, it will be a party. Heck yeah!

Confused? Good!

It's not official, but it might be tomorrow. I told DF that if he needed someone to switch to low brass, I was more than willing. But we never really did anything about it. As it turns out, two of the sousas will not be able to go now, so they are needing the extra support. So yay for sousa!

Now I am fairly certain that everyone in band will be confused as to what I do. People last year knew me as the clarinet player in concert band. People this year know me as the color guard girl and clarinet player. People next year will know me as a sousa, clarinet player who hangs around with the guard. Next year, if I try out as drum major and make it, they would know me as the sousa clarinetist guard girl who some how managed to make drum major, and has a purple trumpet. I feel like I should take percussion, just to cover all my bases. (Ha! Bases... like bass drum. No pun was intended. [yes, I honestly laughed out loud when I realized what I said. I am that lame.])

...Are you starting to see what I mean by ultimate band nerd here?
I'm loving it :)

With strange, band-crazed love,
Tom

Love the Lovely Lyrics

Well it's Valentines day for real now, and I had this crazy idea. Take a bunch of love songs, listen for your favorite lyric, and try to make a sentence/paragraph sort of thing that makes some sort of sense. It's not too hard when you use only love songs. I may have to try this with other typs of songs sometime, because this was really fun. :)

Haha just take it as it is. It sounds kinda super-creepy-stalker-ish. But it was too fun to not post.

"So what, I'm not your average girl... (but)"
"If I fell in love with you,"
"Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
"(Would) it be forever(?) Or I'll never fall in love"
"I don't mind... you're someone that ain't mine."
"I wonder if i called (him), would I creep (him) out just like a stalker?"
"I talk myself in, I talk myself out, I get all worked up, then I let myself down"
"It might not be the right time, You might not be the right one, but..."
"I wanna hold your hand"
"When it's darkest and no one cares, I will hear you"
"I'm here, with you, beside you"
"And I will try to fix you"
"Oh all the things I've felt, but never really shown..."
"You belong with me"

Happy Valentines Day! :)

That's Why There's a Holiday For It!!

It's about that time of the year again. The day when every single is surrounded by couples celebrating love. Ahh what a terrible holiday.

"Love isn't real!! That's why there's a holiday for it!!"... Spoken like a true cynic!

But it's not all so bad. My parents always give the kids something for Valentine's Day, and since everyone was at the house today, they gave out the gifts early. I sat quietly in the corner of the kitchen while each brother and his wife received a lovely basket with chocolate and popcorn and other such things for a couples movie night. My father then presented me with my box of chocolates, a candle and a card. The card contained an itunes gift card for 25 bucks. Ooh parents, you know me so well. It's like they planed me this perfect single's-valentine's-day-survival kit.

I actually don't hate Valentine's Day all that much. It's fun to make cards and baked goods for your friends and loved ones. I enjoy being nice to my pals. But it'd be nice to be somone's valentine for once. Til then, I will continue to make ridiculous cards and yummy foods.

With Love,
Tom

Thanks for a Great Day :)

Today was... nice. :)
For the first time in a while, I felt really happy about the day. Sure, math made me want to cry on the inside a little bit, but other than that, I felt fantastic! I felt appreciated, and interesting, and cared about. I was excited, I was energetic, I felt alive. Woot! It's funny how a few little things can change your day.

Over all, my classes went well. I did almost all my homework (stupid math...) and I felt good about my classes. I've made a friend in my history class, which helps me to stay awake a little better. Mr. Larsen now trusts me to run the system for him in AP music while basically everyone is gone on tour, so I feel trusted, which is nice. And Shelton just makes me laugh (Need I say more?). I recieved hugs from many of the people who I never get hugs from, which was just awesome. The basketball game was just amazing! I got to play baritone, hang with some of my favorite people, eat food, get a massage, and watch an amazing come back and win. It was great!

Another great thing about today is that I actually had a conversation with someone after school. Not just a quick "hey, how are ya?" "Good! you?" "Swell!" kind of small talk conversation, but an actual conversation that involved multiple topics! He just sat down next to me, and bam! Words were exchanged. I never knew it was so simple. I guess I am just too shy to approach someone and get to know them by talking. I'm not much of an ice breaker, but I appreciate it when other people are (mostly because I don't want to say something stupid or uneducated, or seem like I am as socially awkward as I am [you see, this is why I act crazy sometimes, is because I can't socialize like a normal human. Go figure.]).

I don't think I have had one of those good talks with anyone besides my best friend in a really, really long time. In fact, I don't know if I have ever had a real conversation in person with someone I am not ridiculously close to. It was really refreshing, and a much better way to socialize. Heck, it was fun! I feel like I am actually gaining a friendship instead of a synthetic friendship. It makes me hate the fact that I rely so heavily on facebook and text for social contact when I could do something like that more often.

I think the best thing about today was that over all, I felt noticed. I wasn't all dolled up and cute, but I felt cute, and most importantly, myself. I felt like people wanted to be with me for who I am. I was comfortable being in my over-sized hoodie and hat. I haven't really had people come and make the effort to honestly socialize with me before, so I really appreciated it.

Yeah, this post isn't all that exciting. Frankly, the text sounds boring and repetitive. And it's not very well put together. But I had to let the people out there know that I am really greatful for all they do for me. Apparently I have troubles expressing it properly, so I'll just say this. Thank you. You guys know who you are :) I couldn't ask for better people in my life.

I know you're never gonna let me down :)


With love,
Tom

100 Posts and I still Don't Have Anything Important to Say!

Happy 100th post! Yay for me writing way to many pointless things! :D

Anyway, down to business.

Education perplexes me. We took a practice ACT in English, and I didn't think I did that well. I missed 10 of the questions, so I felt like I wasn't doing so hot. Turns out I had the highest score in the class, by about 7 questions. If I remember correctly, I got a 29 as a score. Not only that, but technically that's good enough to get into BYU.

Say what??

While BYU isn't a college I am really set on going to (unless it's BYU Hawaii [and most probably think I am crazy for not having my heart set on BYU]), I felt pretty good knowing I was eligible get in. I've always been under the impression that you had to be perfect to get into BYU, so I felt pretty good watching everyone yell at me in disgust and jealousy. Especially when I didn't think I did that well.

I needed that, because I have felt like an epic fail when it comes to school. Everyone has these perfect 4.0's and they take incredibly hard classes, and I can't seem to maintain a decent grade until the end of the term in certain classes. Someone please explain to me how my brain works. Why can I do fantastic on tests like practice ACTs and Get nearly a perfect score on the DRP, but I can't get all A's? Someone train me or something. I think the potential is there, I just can't seem to motivate myself to work. Time to kick my butt into gear!!

Love, your highly confused friend,
Tom

Job? Glee? What?

I think I just became a Gleek...

Wait, what??

So I just watched my frist episode of Glee, and I must say it was pretty entertaining. The song was super crazy! And it made me want to dance! I needed that. Even though I have no idea who the characters are, or any of what's going on socially, I thought it was pretty good. I hear it can be sketchy, but this episode wasn't too bad. So I am going to have to keep up on this.

On a different note, I am going to be applying for jobs this next week. Yikes! Zumies, Graywhale, and Vans. The people I talked to were AWESOME! Haha I will have a blast if I work at any of these places. And if I do end up getting a job, I hope that you will come visit me! :D

Goals

It's about time I made a good change for myself. I think I will do that! Goals would be a good start. So, here it goes.

- Do my homework. And actually try to get good grades by learning. Yes, I can pass my classes with a pretty good grade in most cases without really trying, but then I feel like I haven't gotten anything out of it. Let's fix that.

-Practice music more often. Clarinet, Guitar, and AP music stuff, not to mention potentially low brass. I've got plenty to work at, so might as well do it.

- Start doing things I enjoy again. I love sketching and painting, going on walks, writing poems, and lots more. I can spend more time doing that.

- Have a real social life. Virtual ones are great, but I need to get out there and socialize more in person instead of through facebook or texting. Real friends are more fun.

- Read more. I don't read for pleasure really, which is probably weird. I just need to find some good books that have deeper meaning rather than a semi entertaining plot. Got any suggestions?

- As much as I hate to say the next two, I need to start working out and keeping my room sparkling clean. Between both of those, I should be in a better mood more often.

- Stop worrying about social things. I don't worry to a large extent, but I worry about them often. That puts me in a not so great mood. So I should stop worry about boys and friends and things like that so often. Real friends will stick around, and boys will always come and go. The people who care and matter will never give up on you. That's the important thing.

- Start establishing who I am and stop being pushed around. I like to please people too much, and sometimes it hurts me in the end. So I will do what I think is best for everyone, not just what I think is best for them. That means I have got to be more real and make rules for myself. I am still always going to look out for others, but I need to make sure I am not making things harder on myself too.

- Just love everyone. I try to do that already, but there is always room for improvement. :)

Do you have any suggestions or goals you are making for yourself? Or ones you think I could add on to my list? Please share!

Love,
Tom

Somewhere Only We Know

I forgot how much I love this song. I forgot how much I love Keane in general. But this song, no matter how over rated it may seem, is one that I will always love. I started learning it on guitar yesterday, and it's probably already one of my favorite ones to play. It's got variety in the music! It's not the C, D and G chords over and over again like a ton of songs are. Yay! :D

Music just makes me want to fall in love. I don't know about you, but there is nothing like music to make me just want to be with a special someone, even if it's not a love song. I have the music, just not a someone. But it'll come with time... right? Until then I will pretend I have a someone. They will dance like an idiot with me to my favorite music :)

Love,
Tom

Fuuuuuuuudge. Tis Good.

This is how I feel sometimes. Just thought I'd let you in on that.

Confused?

Me too.

P.S. If you have questions about anything (and I do mean anything... that I can answer), please post them in the comments below. If you want to know about some odd thing about my life, ask away. Or, you know, whatever question you wanna ask. I'll answer any question you give me. The end.

Sweethearts? Yay! :D

Wooo! I have officially been asked. :)

I heard a loud knock on the door, and when I arrived, I found a shoebox full of miniture marshmallows. I had to search through said mallows for the letters to put together a name. I was a bit confused when I thought the I was an H, and as it turns out, most of the "O's" were actually D's. But eventually I got it figured out!

Now I can look at dresses without feeling silly. woot woot!

Maybe I could be a Teacher...

I think I know what I want to do as a career. Maybe.

I think I would enjoy being a music teacher. Further yet, a band teacher.

Today, I had the opportunity to help teach elementary school students clarinet, and I really liked it. I had gone once before, but I felt useless because I hadn't spent much time with my clarinet. Now that I have worked with my clarinet more, and I know more about it, I actually helped a little bit. The kids listened to me, and tried to accomplish the tasks I gave them. They started making progress. It felt awesome when one kid got the chromatic scale down really well! Granted, he knew most of it, but he had trouble with some of the fingerings and I helped him out! It was awesome to see him light up when he did it well!

So I thought about it, and I said to myself "I could do this for a living". I know how much I look up to my band teacher, and all the valuable things he has taught me. Way more than just how to play music. Way more than just how to be musical. He's taught me a way of life. And with the other people who have helped me so much with clarinet and other musical things, I can't help but feel like I am obligated to get better and help others improve too. I want to bring others the joy playing music has brought me.

So we add yet another great option to what I could do when I grow up. So far this is actually looking like the most likely. Teacher in general is actually climbing the charts, which I would have never thought about before. I guess we will see where I'm at in the future.

Your opinions?

Band Director?
Physicians Assistant?
Writer of some sort?
Any other ideas?

Plants Vs. Zombies is More Productive Than Homework!

Sooo....

For the past, oh I don't know... hour or so, I have been playing Plants Vs. Zombies instead of doing homework. At first, I felt a little guilty. Then I found a way that I can relate all my homework to it!

1. The game is a battle. You are fighting a defensive battle against the zombies, of course. This is much like trench warfare in World War 1. And we learned that when you fight a defensive battle in trench warfare, your chances of winning are 4:1. US History? check.

2. The game has music, which I listened to for some time. I listed to the kind of quality the songs had, major or minor. I tried to look at how it related to the setting because it changed when I went from the night level to the day level with the pool. AP Music? check.

3. The plants use the energy of the sun, which you must collect to plant more...plants. This requires photosynthesis, which is a part of chemistry. Which means... Chemistry? check.

4. Plants have roots. My math homework has nth roots. Roots and roots. Math? check.

5. I just barely used a logical fallacy (a false analogy to be specific, assuming that two things are alike in all aspects because they are alike in one aspect) English? check.

6. I had to think fast, and make sure I could accurately plant where I wanted to quickly. Which increases my hand eye coordination and my ability to read what's in front of me quickly. I need this for clarinet. Band? check.

7. I mention zombies in the yearbook somewhere. Yearbook? check.

So when you look at it, I was much more productive in that one hour, because I covered all my classes in one fell swoop! I don't need your homework! Ha!

Yeah... the teachers aren't going to like that much...

...Well, I guess I'm off to do homework now. It was worth a shot.

Just Do It.

I was leaving my 8th period class when one of my close friends said "Wait for me! I need to ask you a question!" So I said I would wait outside the door. He came out, and put his sweatshirt over my head, and proceeded to walk me through the halls as his 'tumor'. As I was guided by him blindly, a thought came to my mind. "Maybe he's helping someone ask me to sweethearts!" I got kind of excited, thinking maybe I was being asked.

Nope.

He was just being his crazy random self. While I did get a good laugh out of it, I was slightly let down. It just seemed like the perfect set up! And this my friends, is why I should stop over thinking things. Because then, you don't set such high expectations, and you can't be let down if you don't expect anything! And when something awesome happens, you are pleasantly surprised!

Sure, I don't need to be asked to sweethearts. I would be totally cool if I wasn't, and do something else fun on that day. But it'd still be a great compliment to recieve. It's like someone saying "You are awesome! Let's hang out and have an excuse to look nice!" Who wouldn't like that?

Either way, the message of this post is this- Boys, ask a girl to a dance. Because even if the date is terrible, and super awkward, you'll at least get a good story out of it. When people are throwing around stories about bad dates, you can chime in! And if the date goes well, you can brag about how good of a time you had! So it's really a win win situation. And they say you will always regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did.

Also, something to consider, if you don't go to the dance, there will be some lonely girl who cries while all her friends go to the dance and she stays home and thinks boys hate her.

You don't want to make a girl cry? Right? So ask! And heck, if you don't want to go to the dance, just ask a girl on a date who isn't going and do something else fun instead. Just don't leave a girl home crying!

Meat Boy and Bandage Girl

You can't tell me that's not adorable.

Okay, you can. But I'd call you a dirty liar. Or a heartless being with no soul (and, even I did call you such terrible things, I would do so lovingly).

But basically, I love Meat Boy. He's so cute! I could go for being Bandage Girl! :D

I mean, when a guy is willing to jump through crazy levels of insanity, involving saws, lasers, piles of needles, crazy blob things, the Evil Doctor Fetus, and who knows what else, how can you not love him??

I love a piece of meat... Yeah, that's saying something. At least he is a cute piece of meat.

On a different note, I heard that a guy filled a girl's room with balloons to ask her to Sweethearts. Oh the many clever ways that boys ask. It's so cute. :)

I've Just Seen a Face

There's something about music that makes me want to fall in love. Maybe you can relate, or maybe not. But that's how I feel. There are many wonderful songs out there. Most that I listen to don't have any lyrics, and they still make me want to be in love. It kind of sucks sometimes, but you can't help but be addicted to them. Some songs with lyrics that make me smile, want to be with that guy, or want dance with him are:

-Do You Want to Know a Secret? (The Beatles. Mostly the main part. The intro and the outro are a bit off for the whole cute thing)
-All My Loving (The Beatles)
-So Close (No idea who it's by, but it's in Enchanted)
-The Only Exception (Paramore)
-Haven't Met You Yet (Michael Buble)
-Stay Beautiful, and Pictures of You (The Last Goodnight)
-Digital Love (Daft Punk, but the acoustic is amazing)
-Be Myself, and Geeky Love (theOoldSooul, he's a youtube guy. Love his stuff! You should look up geeky love at least if you want a good laugh)
-Jen's Song (Benton Paul)
-Almost any song by Vertical Horizon
And many many more.

But this one, has made my heart melt. I watched Across the Universe yesterday, and I loved it. I want a guy who thinks of me like this. How can you not want that?
Enjoy



With Love,
Tom

P.S. Is it good or bad post kind of emo sounding thoughts on this thing? I have a post that explains a lot of why I have been acting werid lately, but it sounds really emo. And I am not emo, nor do I want people thinking I am depressed or I hate my life. But I want to get it out there, ya know? It's hard to find a balance. If you have an opinion on the matter, please share.

Colorful Lies

White describes a harmless fib,
As told by you or I.
But maybe there's more than simple terms,
I'm skeptical of "white lies".

So then, what is the color of a lie?

Is it the red of the boiling blood beneath your skin?
Or the ominous black of a deceitful grin?
Is it the hues of blue on a lonely day?
Perhaps the green of envy when you walk away?
A grey that shows when enthusiasm lacks?
Or the yellow smile when your company lies back?
Do you mislead in orange when caution is high?
Or rather a purple shade when your love walks by?

Do you betray yourself with these colorful distortions?
Do you deceive those who choose to care?
Is there such a thing as a harmless lie,
When there's no one your lying spares?

Again I ask, what's the color of a lie?

-Hannah J. Thomas

Don't be Shy, Come on and Give it a Try! Tell the Girl!

I just want to grab a good guy, cuddle up next to him, cry on his shoulder and sit there in his arms for a while. Maybe he could talk with me too. Yup. That'd be good.

Yeah, it probably sounds retarded, but that's what I need. I've been having a tough time and I just want someone to cry on and someone to hug me really tight. And guys just do that better than girls. Anyway, that is all beside the point.

You know what would be nice too? If things worked out this simply:

The Guy- Hey, I like you.
Me- I happen to like you as well! Maybe we could hang out some time and get to know each other better. Because I honestly enjoy your company, and I don't like you for some stupid lusty reason. I like you as a person! I would like to spend more time with you!
The Guy- Sounds great to me! I'd love to take you on a date some time too!
Me- Hecks yeah! :D

The Other Guys- Hey, I like you.
Me- You are awesome, and I totally love being your friend, but I am not attracted to you in that way at this time. It's nothing personal, but my thoughts are currently occupied with someone else. I still love you though!
The Other Guys- Yeah, that's cool, no worries. Let's hang out still!
Me- Hecks yeah! :D

Not just for me, but for everyone. Can you imagine how much easier high school would be? Gah... Why can we not simplify things?

I don't know about other girls, but I personally wouldn't act awkward if I knew a guy liked me, even if I didn't like him (as seen above). Boys should just take the chance! Tell the girl you like her, especially if you think she might like you too! Telling someone you like them isn't a proposal, and it won't kill you. Heck, if you tell her you like her, she might grow to like you in that way because she sees how you treat her or how much she really cares about you. Plus no matter what, it will probably make her feel good. Knowing you are liked at all in any form is great. Knowing you are liked in that way is even better. Unless you are waiting for the perfect moment or you don't want to ruin something, just tell her. It's much worse never knowing what could have happened, for both of you.

With love,
Tom

Hello, Preservation Hall Jazz Band.

Tonight, I decided that Heaven will have jazz music. If it doesn't, I think I will cry. There is no crying in heaven, because it is a place of only happiness. Therefor, Heaven has jazz music. I just proved it.

Anyway.

I atteneded the Preservation Hall Jazz Band concert tonight at the Sheration Hotel in Salt Lake City. It was incredible. The musicians were fantastic! They were energetic, hilarious, and well... Jazzy. Go figure! I can't believe how much fun I had. I even got to go up on stage with a bunch of other people (including Justin Dunkley and Max Cocoa) while they played and danced. It was unbelieveable. I couldn't help but buy a CD, which I stayed after and got signed. I met them. I shook their hands.(except the trombone player... I was very sad...) It was a good day.

I spend it with amazing people too. The car ride was a party, and I just can't help but love band people. Christian's McDonald's cookies that take too long, telling Justin to shut up and making the people behind us look at us awkwardly, telling Cameron to stick his head out the window to wake him up, honestly laughing with Mara and her awesome sense of humor, and telling Max that, despite what the thinks, he cannot sing like Louis Armstrong.

Before all of this, I went "running" with some pals, and we ended up taking the long way to Magleby's. But on the up side, we ate delicious french toast that Josh so kindly provided. Sometimes I want to hurt that kid (and it wouldn't be the first time) but he can be nice on occasion.

Today was something I needed. Thanks everyone :)

With Love and Jazz,
Tom

Friends

Yeah, I suck at being a friend. I have so much going on in my brain and things that I try to balance, but I fail at it. And the people I'm closest to get the worst end of it. No, I don't hate you. No, I am not ignoring you. No, I do not have any grudges against you. Yes, I want to spend time with you. I just can't figure out what I am doing to save my life. It's like I don't do anything with anyone for a long time, then suddenly everyone wants to do something with me all at once. And that usually happens on a day where I am busy, already have plans, or am in a not so great mood (and nobody wants to hang out with someone who is just grumpy, let's be real).

What I am getting at is that I am sorry for not being the friend I should be. My friends always give me so much, and I don't tell them how much I appreciate them. Sorry if you've felt like I've ignored you, pushed you away, been rude you to, or anything else that doesn't show you I love you. Because I do love you.

Okay so I posted something like... 4 minutes ago or something, but I just had to mention one little thing that made me laugh this week.

There was this girl who sits behind me in Chemistry, and she was talking to the girl next to me. They were talking about the sweethearts dance, and girl behind me started to freak out, saying that she hadn't been asked yet...

I think you are going to be okay my dear. They just posted up signs about it today. I'm pretty sure you have plenty of time to get asked. Guys don't generally ask this early as far as I know. Maybe I'm crazy. But either way, you're going to be okay.

She's a cute girl, so I just thought it was funny that she was already worried. She'll get asked in no time at all. Besides, good things come to those who wait, right?

A Day in the Life

Highlights of the day:

-"Love is just like Santa! It doesn't exsist! That's why they made a holiday for it!" (or something to that effect)
-Finding out that everything in our kitchen has now moved to another place in the kitchen. It's so backwards!
-A large tub of ice cream named Neo, and a cheesecake too.
-Playing music with my Fay. And singing "Re: Your Brains" = win.
-Building a computer that I get to keep, because my brother is awesome and knows how to do these things.
-Playing clarinet and trying to figure out jazz stuff for a while. I loved every minute of it!
-Got a little farther in my game. Super spiffy.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. Even though I wanted to jump off a cliff after that math test. IT wasn't my best day at school. It was just a rough week in general, I'm glad it's over with. Hello weekend.

Just a Square Peg.

Everyone wants to be different,
but most just want to fit in.
They all want to be loved,
But they hardly let people inside.
Many preach about acceptance,
But accept only those that meet a certain criteria.
Nobody wants to lie,
But few take the heat comes with honesty.
They don't like drama,
But manage to create it.
Everyone wants good results,
But results are the product of effort.
They say to hope and believe and have faith for a brighter day,
But when they get down, they want proof things will improve.

Most of all, no one wants to feel alone

These people have names. These people have lives. These people have troubles and problems. These people are what we call Human. And let's face it, we are all human. If you ask me, the human conscience is at war with itself constantly.

The problem is, we have trouble picking a side. The one that fits closer to reality and honesty, or the one that is idealistic. Do you conform and fit society's rules to be "happy" because you have the ideal life that you are pressured to have? Or do you go against the world and be happy with yourself, but continue to feel like you fall short because of society's "norm"?

The reason I think we all feel alone and unsatisfied? The main cause of feeling inadequate or unsure?

Everyone wants to be different,
but most just want to fit in.

You can't be both.

Being different means you are yourself. Being different means that you take what you are, flaws and all. Fitting in requires you to morph yourself into something you aren't, to find a better sense of belonging. But what you want most is what determines your choice.

Fewer people who you mesh with, who connect with you on a real level, honestly care for you, who are harder to find, but worth the effort...

Or

More people who you adjust to fit, who get along fine, and are readily available, but seem to miss that true connection?

Are we just a bunch of different shapes trying to fit into a very small, perfectly round, and widely accepted hole?

I hope not. I like different shapes. If you ask me, it's not about fitting in, but accepting someone for who they are. Once you get past the awkward stage, life is swell. Unless you have an awkward friendship by choice. Then it's fine. :)

Sources of Motivation = Domination

Today, I did something that I thought was impossible for me.

Twice.

By twice, I mean I accomplished two things which I thought to be physically impossible for me. Not just physically improbable, but impossible. Dang straight!! My motivation? Metroid, Band, and frustration. Yeah... It's probably kinda sad. Oh well.

I played Metroid for a few hours today (like... at least 3 or 4... But that's not the impossible part. In fact, this is indeed quite normal for me. Yay for power ups!... I think I played too much...) So it reminded me of the song "Kraid's Lair", and the wonderful acoustic version I heard of it on youtube the other day. I love that song. It's so... eerie. I found that it had tabs, and I was like "Heck yes. This is happening".

Ten minuets later I said to myself "Fudge! I can't do this!" In the very beginning of the song, you have to stretch your pinky pretty far. For normal people, it would be a bit of a challenge. For me and my abnormally small hands, it felt hopeless. But alas, I did it. And I still felt like there was no way I could learn the song because of the confusing fingerings. But, it took my mind off things, and I had nothing better to do. I practiced for a good long while, and wadda ya know? So far, I have most of it down. Suck on that, stupid small pinky! >:D
(... I'm sorry pinky... I do love you. I take it back. Mostly.)

The other task I felt the urge to conquer today was....
The Treadmill

I have been telling myself I need to work out and get in shape so I can kick butt for color guard. Besides, Samus runs around all day in a beastly suit! She has to be in shape, so I should be too. (I told you I played too much...) And I had yet to do much of anything. But I have been stressed out lately and I felt confused and kinda pissed off about some various things, so I thought "Why not run it out?"

My, how good it felt. I told myself I'd go at least two miles, or go for 20 minuets at a decent pace. I had some good music to pump me up. I almost felt like giving up for a little bit, but then I remembered band runs (yes, it's dorky and nerdy, I know. But it motivates me) and what it felt like to sprint to the end. I had only gone about one and a half miles, so I slowed down, but didn't stop.

That's when I set the goal. When it said I had run 1.75 miles, I would crank it up pretty fast. But I have never gone above 6 out of 10 on the treadmill, out of fear. I was always afraid I'd loose my footing and go flying off and smack my head on the brick wall behind me or become terribly mangled mess of a human. (also lame, I know. I thought some weird, dark things as a child... And kinda still do. But less often, and with much more logic!)

Today, there would be no more fear! I cranked it up to 7. And it felt good. I was running and saying the lyrics to the song to keep me going. I remembered all the crap that I've had going through my head, and kept pushing it. I wasn't going fast enough for my thoughts. So I cranked it up higher. 7.5 baby! I ran at that for almost a whole song! Woot woot! Then I walked it off for a bit with a chill song and I felt much, much better. By the end I had gone for 30 minutes or so, and it was about 2 and 1/2 miles!

Now I know it sounds like no accomplishment, but considering I haven't done anything to exercise since like... October, I was pretty proud. It's a place to start. Maybe I can do it every day and push it farther until I can be a beast and sprint full speed on that sucker! Then I won't hate running as much, and I'll feel better.

And so, my love for guitar and running has grown. The End

With love,
Tom

An Emo's Musical

I probably post waay to often on this thing, (and I know it's probably annoying that I have changed the look of this blog twice in the past week), but I'm kind of addicted to it. It's a beautiful thing.

Anyway, since my past two posts were ridiculously long, I decided this one shall be short.

Today was basically amazing. I skipped first period because I felt sick, came to school for my favorite classes, found out I went up quite a few chairs in band (Yay for not failing!!!!! :D :D :D) And I went to my friends kick awesome party where we shot nerf guns, watched signs, ate chocolate, and I sang with the raspy sick voice as loud as I could. Twas an adventure. :)

And, my treat for you today is a fun little video my brother and some friends made a few years back. I was the camera girl for the first half. And might I add that many of the funny parts were my ideas (okay, I thought they were funny, your opinion may vary)

And now,

An Emo's Musical



Note: Yes, he was eating those dog treats. Yes, he is wearing eye liner. I mean uh- GUY liner. Don't question. Just love.

.... Life is like an empty cookie jar...

The Knee -A (silly) Pain that Will Not Be Easily Forgotten (part 2)

As promised, I shall share with you the story of my "Darth Vader" scar, as I like to call it. Enjoy :)

It was the first real day of summer after sixth grade, and who doesn't want to celebrate graduating elementary school? (Oh what I wouldn't give to go back... how could you look forward to the gloom of middle school?) Not to long before that, my brother Blake moved out and we removed the carpet in his room. His old room is across from my old room, and in between there is the wood floor of the hallway. Since we ripped out the carpet, there was a bit of an edge where the doorway was. Nothing big, but you could easily stumble over it.

When he moved out, we relocated some of the spare computers we had to his old room so we could actually use them. And with the cement floor, I thought it sounded awesome to blast music in there! My brothers and my parents were out fixing up the duplex so a different brother, Trevor, could move into it with his wife. Thus, no one was home. I could rock out as loud as I wanted to.

If you read my previous post, you are aware that my friend Maddy was present when I shattered my tooth. Well, she is kind of my bad luck charm or something. Because I decided to invite her over so we celebrate together. We sang many a song, but after a while, it got old. We thought it'd be legit to spice things up and get out the strobe light we had in the closet. Dance around in the flashing light that seems to freeze time. Heck yeah!

We got out the dusty old thing, and set it up. We had waaaay too much fun. But we thought we would invite over another friend to make it a mad dance party. Our dear friend Matthew to be exact. But he would take a while to get to my house, for he had to walk. So we continued our fun.

We then heard ominous footsteps up stairs. My brother Colton came home, and came down stairs, asking us what the heck we were doing. We just laughed and explained how bored we were and how much fun we were having. So he left us alone... For a short while.

Not long after, he came back with is air soft gun, and chased us all over the house. He didn't actually shoot us, but it was still frightening. We ran back downstairs to the room we had been partying in, and turned off the normal light, but the strobe light stayed on. We hid in the closet, knowing he would probably find us, but it was the only option we had left!

Slowly he crept down the hallway... and you could hear each step echo. Sitting in the dark, your heart begins to race! It was like a horror movie! He went into my room, came back out, and came into the room where we were hiding. He walked up to the closet and paused dramatically. Suddenly, he opened the closet door, and I booked it out of there as fast as I could! Yeah, disaster waiting to happen.

I ran out, but the strobe light was on. I couldn't see what I was doing very well. And little did I know my tiny dog was in the room too. The light flashed, and I saw him just in time to try to jump over him... Somehow I stumbled in the process...

WHAM!!

My knee slammed head on into that dull ledge of the wood floor in the hallway. I let out a banshee scream and my brother freaked out. He rushed and turned on the light, just in time for me to see the skin separate and gush blood. I let out another very loud scream, as you can imagine. Quickly, I grabbed around my my knee not touching the cut and just sat there freaking out. He scooped me up and we went upstairs where we wrapped it in toilet paper and one of those sports wraps to try and stop the bleeding.

During this time, Matthew showed up at the door. He was a bit confused to see me on the couch with tears streaming down my face and my leg slightly purplish-blue from the lack of circulation it waws receiving (my brother wrapped it really tight). They sat and laughed while my brother re-wrapped it. Thanks a lot guys :P

So we called my parents and told them I needed Trevor, who worked at the hospital as an EMT, to come check it out and see how bad it was. It took a while, but eventually they showed up. He said I needed stitches for sure, so off we went to the urgent care. It took them like 2 hours to get me back, because they never gave us the stupid paper work... By that time, I just wanted to get it done and over with. The lady asked how it happened, and I just kinda laughed while I tried to explain how I managed to split my knee open by falling on a wood floor. She was extremely confused, and stopped asking questions. Then injected my knee with some weird stuff that made it go all cool and numb. But it only got weirder from there. When they started to sew me up, I could feel the thread go through my skin, like I could feel it tug, but I couldn't feel the pain. Sooo trippy.

Eventually it was done. I received 12 stitches, and my knee looked like a baseball for a while; A very prune-like baseball. Yumm....

I couldn't run or swim for the first two weeks of summer, so instead I sat in front of the TV and played twilight princess with a tub of peanut butter and a spoon by my side. It was pretty epic. At least I beat the game, right?

And now, the scar looks kind of like Darth Vader's breathing vent when I squish it all together. I often draw faces on it and laugh. :)